6 months post-op, oh yeah!

I made it to 6 months post-op today. Wooooo hoooooo. Half a year and counting. Wow. Well, it is really winter here in Wisconsin and it is very kind of everyone to be so concerned about me walking outside with the snow and ice. It is treacherous, but friends, colleagues, and professors have volunteered to help me out whenever possible and I am being very very cautious. We got another 6 inches of snow last night, which is fine, but it is on top of layers of ice from the ice storm over the weekend. That is NOT fine. Knock on wood that I'll make it through this winter without falling! It took me over an hour to get home last night (it usually takes 15 minutes) and as I was driving down the highway the ice started collecting on my wipers making it difficult to see. Well there was a tiny clear spot in the left hand corner of the window, but there was one problem - I can't bend down. So I alternated looking through the ice and doing my best to look through the clear corner, but my neck hurts a bit this morning because of it.

We got out X-Mas tree last weekend as the storm started coming in. As some of you (dear readers) will remember, last year we got a tree with a sever lumbar curve! I thought it was very appropriate since it would be the last Christmas I would spend with a big curvature. This year, our tree's trunk is nice and straight, just like my back. I was so excited to decorate this year because for the first time we have our own home and I could hang our stockings over the fireplace. :) We have a lot to be thankful for this year - My surgery was successful, my father beat cancer and survived a 99% blockage in his heart, we bought a home before the market got horrible, we adopted a dog, my husband passed his doctoral prelim exams and is now a dissertator, and he got promoted in his job.

2007 was very very difficult, but we have also been extremely blessed. I'm looking forward to 2008 though. One final thing - last week I was diagnosed with vertigo and hopefully it has nothing to do with my operation. It is probably an inner ear virus, but man, is it annoying. No more health problems please!

Don't Judge a Book by its Cover

Sorry for the cliche, but it is appropriate. Today I pulled up into a handicapped spot, as I do everyday on campus. One of the profs came up to me and said, "Hey, do you know that you parked in a handicapped spot and could get a fine." I looked at him and said, "Yes, I do know I parked in a handicapped spot and if you look at my car you will see the handicapped placards hanging from the mirror. I had a spinal fusion and am recovering." Well, he felt REALLY bad and just tried to keep digging himself out of his very deep hole. He said, "Oh, let me hold the door for you. It is the least I can do." I rejected his "kind" offer. Oy - people are weird. Yes, I'm not in a wheelchair and I am not going to pull up my shirt so everyone can see my scar. Why do people make stupid judgments like that without any information. He didn't even bother to look if I had a handicapped placard. He just made a split second judgment by looking at me. I feel kind of bad for him because he is utterly embarrassed, but hopefully it taught him a good lesson.

So, three days ago I woke up with a sudden onset of vertigo. It turns out that I most likely have an inner ear virus that should go away in 6-8 weeks. Guess I just always draw the "lucky" health card. I don't ask for much, but I hope 2008 will be much calmer with lots of good health.

5 months post-op

Tomorrow I am 5 months post-op. Wow. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe I've already made it this far. In many ways I am doing better than I expected, and in others I get quite frustrated. I still have pain, which is to be expected after such a large and grueling surgery. I got pretty down the other week because my lower back pain that I had before surgery returned and I thought, "What did I do all this for?" I think (I hope) it was just a phase, or I may have over-extended myself . . . or something. I can't freak out at every pain I get. I started pool therapy and that is going well and hopefully helping. It is too soon to tell, but I enjoy being in the water, even if I can't actually swim yet.

I'm working quite hard now and my husband is in the midst of taking his doctoral preliminary exams. NO fun! He has 10 days at home to complete the written portion before his oral exams, which means I'm trying to stay out of the way as much as possible. I also feel bad asking for his help when he is so busy, but I'm sure he understands.

My father is coming here for Thanksgiving in a few weeks and I am excited for him to see how well I'm doing now. The last time I saw him was 1 month post-op! Wow, how things have changed. I'm looking forward to the rest and the cooking.

why do people suck?

So, I had a strange encounter with a man outside the other day. I didn't feel too threatened, as my dog was yapping at him and he told me I had a "vicious dog." Yay - go watch dog. Well, anyway, I told my family about this specific encounter, but now this suspicious person is on the news and apparently at least 9 women in my area have called the police in the last 2 days about him. So, I decided to give the police my report and they said I did the right thing by calling and my descriptions were matching what other people had said too. Well, now I don't really want to go walking my dog in this certain area. People suck. Really, what is wrong with our society? Why can't people grow up learning to respect other people? At least I have a cute, barky, little watch dog.

4 1/2 month post-op update

Well, I'm about 4 1/2 months post-op and am doing great. I still have post-op pain and I especially feel like I've had a huge surgery at night time. However, I'm pretty much back to my normal life (with adjustments obviously). Having a dog is wonderful for my mental recovery and probably for my physical recovery too. True, I probably over-do things, but I feel like I can most of the time. My dog got sick this weekend and ran up a large medical bill, but hey, I don't have to pay 1/2 million dollars for my surgery, so I can't complain too much. The little guy is worth it. I've posted another picture because he is just so darn cute. Well, that is a short post, but I just wanted to give an update.

My New Dog!!!!!

I'm almost 4 months post-op and I can honestly say that I'm getting so much better. I still hurt - but I had a GIANT surgery. However, after teaching for 4 hours, I hurt a lot less than I would have done before surgery. :) AND . . . we adopted a new dog, Lewis. He is such a cutie and adds so much joy to our lives. I'm able to get up and down off the floor to play with him. It is kind of difficult, but I'm not doing damage to myself. Isn't he cute?

just more thoughts on surgery

So, I'm just over 15 weeks post-op (it is like I'm counting weeks of pregnancy, but that is sooooooo NOT the case). Anyway, I've been off of the extended release morphine for a few days now and am experiencing much more pain in my upper back, but am trying to breathe through that. I don't really think Tylonel does much for me and my surgeon doesn't want me on advil yet. The pain is not unbearable most of the time, but I do notice a difference. I'm also absolutely exhausted. Sometimes it is necessary for work to get pushed aside for a good hour nap, but that is not easy to do in a PhD program.

My students are still being very nice (at least to my face). They pick things up automatically that I drop and I appreciate that they are willing to help me. The weeks do seem much longer now because my energy level is low and my days seem longer while recovering and trying to work. I'm honestly happy to be back though.

My husband and I are thinking about adopting a dog! :) This is something we've wanted to do for a long time. If we do, I will, of course, post pictures.

Back to grading bunches of quizzes.

3 months post-op update

I am just over 3 months post-op and saw my surgeon yesterday for my second check-up. All went well and I am about where I should be. We are still watching the nerve damage in my leg and he didn't have anything enlightening to say about my tailbone pain. I learned that the hard thing poking the skin in my back is not a vertebrae, but actually a screw! Wow - they are bigger than I thought.

I survived my first week of being back at the university and taught for 4 hours today and then had a seminar for 2. I was away from 8am until 6pm which is the longest I've been away from my home and my nice comfy bed since before surgery. I did it though!!!!!! I'm absolutely exhausted now, but I knew that if I could make it through Tuesdays, I can survive for the semester. My students were very respectful about my surgery and fairly curious. I appreciated that and hope that they will continue that way. I've actually received more support at the university than I had anticipated, which is great.

I don't normally say this, but I'm proud of myself. I made it through 3 really difficult months and got back in the classroom with almost the same amount of energy I used to have. One of my students asked, "How do you live and do things?" I smiled, but then thought, if they asked me this question 2 months ago, I would have given a much different answer. Now I can say that I have adjusted to my new life and am doing just fine.

12 weeks post-op

An update on my exciting life. . . I can now:
a) drive
b) put on a pair of socks
c) go to the grocery store without getting the crunchy, sharp pains in my lower back that I got pre-op
d) raise my arms above my head
e) pick up a new hobby - jewelry making

One week from today I will be back at work and doctoral seminars. Eeeek. I'm scared, but excited too.

It does get better . . . .

That is what I wrote to someone on the scoliosis forum today. I remember pre-op how I wished and dreamed for the day when I could be that person giving advice and reassuring others going through the surgery that it WILL get better. Congratulations to me! :) I am.

I am 11 weeks post-op today. I go back to work and the university in 2 weeks and am kind of nervous. I'm nervous for my teaching schedule, consisting of a solid 4-hour block of classes. I'm nervous about having to tell all the newbie graduate students, "I had back surgery" when they ask me unknowingly, "So, what did you do this summer?" I'm nervous for all the adjustments that I will need to make and I am nervous about how the professors will react to me. I'm really not looking forward to stupid questions like, "So, are you all better now?" I want to educate people about this surgery, but really I find that no matter what you say, unless you are a scoli or take care of a scoli post-op, you're just not going to get it fully.

With all that being said, I am grateful that my surgery went so well (with only a few complications) and that I have the ability to go back and continue on with my life, hopefully for the better. Would I say that I made the right choice by having surgery? I'm not at the point where I can say that confidently because of the pain and trials I'm still experiencing, but I DO know that one day soon, I will be able to tell you that I made the right choice. For now all I can say to any scolis straight out of surgery or those considering it, it does get better. I promise!

I'm a Survivor

I was talking to my husband last night about being a "scoli survivor," to which he replied, "no, you're a scoli sufferer. Survivors are people who have conquered cancer, for example." While I completely agree that people who overcome diseases which can lead to death are survivors in the most literal sense, we scolis are also survivors.

I am a survivor because:

I came out of my teenage years with a sense of self esteem and became a strong young woman despite the teasing from peers about my scoliosis, the rude comments, and the awkward situations.

I finally learned that scoliosis does not define who you are, but can make you a much more compassionate and understanding person.

I learned to be strong after every x-ray that showed more and more progression and believed that I would overcome it.

I've spent the last 15 years living with pain every single day of my life and have not let it define me or stop me from doing most things I want to do. Most people cannot understand that.

I cried for 3 months after finally realizing it was surgery time. I took my time to grieve for what I then considered my "failed hardwork" for the last 15 years, and then acknowledged that this surgery was going to change my life for the better.

I waited over a year for this surgery, which was one of the most emotionally difficult times of my life, but by the time surgery came around, I was absolutely prepared and felt strong.

I spent 10 days in the hospital having procedures done to me with so much pain that I don't even want to write about them here.

I can't tell you how much I've been through physically (and emotionally) over the last 9 weeks (but I'm sure you fellow scolis understand). It takes a survivor to wake up every morning and battle the daily tasks that were once so easy and now you have to relearn and take at least twice as long.

There have been many times in the past 9 weeks where I've felt like giving up from the pain and the trials of recovery, but I have not and I've gone ahead and now smile at how far I've come.

That's just a few reasons why I and my other fellow scolis are survivors.

Things are better

My last post was pretty down, but I actually received an apology from my mother for "going off the deep end." Anyway, I'm now about 7 1/2 weeks post-op and am finally starting to feel like myself. My PCP switched my pain medication regiment, which has helped a lot. I am climbing stairs normally now, my walking is faster, I'm helping more around the house, I'm taking less naps, I'm able to sit and watch tv for a whole show, and I'm eating dinner at the table instead of on my "comfy" chair with a tv tray. I still experience pain, but it is diminishing.

I have a stitch abscess (sp?) on the lower 1/2 inch of my scar, which was oozing gross stuff and blood. Apparently my body was trying to reject that type of stitch (necryl), which was used to stitch the area of my drain and bone graft. Luckily, that is being taken care of now, and also feeling much better.

Two of my dearest friends in the world are currently flying here to see me and will stay for a long weekend. I'm so excited and glad that it doesn't hurt to laugh so much because I'm sure a lot of laughing will be going on. . . . lots of ice cream eating too.

I feel like I'm finally REALLY on my way to recovery. I hope it continues.

I was going to write a happy post . . .

about how many new things I can do now that I'm 7 weeks post-op, but I am currently very very very upset with my mother, who is now doing more harm than good during my recovery period. I can't get into it right now because I am beyond upset, but I just don't understand. I just had to get that out - as vague as it is. I can't believe she is doing this to me.

Looks like someone needs to go back to Med school

I tried coming off of vicodin too soon and got the classic withdrawl symptoms. So, I called the "oh so helpful" nurses at the spine clinic, only to be told that I had the flu. Well gee - why didn't I think of that? I have all the classic symptoms, I don't have a fever, and within an hour after taking a vicodin, I was all better. Honestly, you would think the nurses would be just a little bit smarter than that. Luckily, I have one smart sister-in-law who is going into her medical residency and she laughed at the nurses and told me how to slowly wean myself off the vicodin to limit the withdrawl symptoms. I'm also going to contact my PCP because she would be a better advocate for me than the idiot nurses who call themselves professionals (the flu? honest to God . . .)

Every little thing I do . . .

. . . takes effort. I'm doing much better than I was last week, but sometimes I still get frustrated and cry because I have to think about every little thing that I do that I took for granted before. I have to think about how I walk, how I sit, how to get up and down out of bed, how to turn, how to reach the faucet, how to reach and grab anything, how to get in and out of the car, how to brush my hair, etc. There are also the things that I can't do now, which I constantly wonder how I will be able to do them when I get even better, such as turning on the shower. These things are so simple and yet most of us completely take them for granted. We don't have to think about how our bodies do these things until we've lost what we once had.

I know that as each day and week goes by I will gain more mobility and independence. The frustration for the most part is temporary, but the pain in my left leg and the upper right part of my back is just making the frustration worse sometimes. Wow, who knew it would be so painful for nerves to wake up?

On a happier note though, the other day my father drove me to one of the lakes where we took a short walk and had ice cream. I would have to say that it was one of the best days since surgery. I love the water and even if the car ride was somewhat difficult, being by the water did much for my emotional state of being (plus the ice cream on a hot summer day by the lake rocked)! I'm glad it is the weekend because my husband is home and now that my family members have left, I get lonely (although I got a lot of reading done yesterday). I think we're going to try to go for another little outing today to get me out of the house and see the real world.

My best friends from high school who have stood by me every step of the way since the beginning of my scoliosis are flying out here in 2 weeks to see me. I'm really lucky to have such friends and I'm so excited to spend a long weekend with them (especially since it doesn't hurt as much to laugh anymore, and I'm sure there will be a lot of laughing going on)!

My scar tells a story

When people look at my scar, some wince, some gasp in surprise, but none know that my scar represents more than an 18-inch incision. It represents my story, my battle, and my victories. At first I would not look at my scar, but now I look everyday, not only to make sure it still looks good, but to remember how far I have come.

Today I am 5 weeks post-op. It has been a very difficult past week, but I'm already feeling a bit better this morning (save the burning sensation in my leg from nerves waking up and my right shoulder). This week I am hoping to get out of the house and go for a walk in the arboretum. I miss the lakes and I miss downtown. I think it would do a world of good for my mental state of mind. Plus, the weather has finally cooled down from the upper 90s. Ick.

My father is leaving at the end of this week as well. We have been blessed in that family members have been here since June 1st to take care of me while my husband works. I admit I'm afraid to be left on my own, although I bet I can do it. My father is building a little bar device by my bed so it will be easier for me to get up and down. Yay for fathers!

Well, it is time to start my day and go for a walk before the thunderstorms roll on by! Perhaps later when I have more energy I'll expand on how my scar tells more of my story.

more pain

I'm almost 5 weeks post-op now and the pain is worse than before, especially in my upper right side. I'm incredibly moody and not enjoying these mood swings. I am not able to do much because of the stabbing pain and the nurses are trying to wean me off pain meds way too soon. I'm so annoyed at them! How would they like to have their spine moved, fused together, and endure their body attempting to completely realign themselves? I think they would have a different perspective. I'm in too much pain to write anymore right now.

Pain day

I'm having a really bad pain day, which is also bringing on a bad depressive mood. I hope this gets better soon because it really sucks. :(

1 month anniversary

Toward the end of May I kept saying, "Man, I wish June was over." Well, sure enough it is and today I am one month post-op. It has been a very fast month in many ways, but also one of the slowest of my life as I re-learn every little thing that I had taken for granted before. Luckily, I have had the help of loving family and friends every step of the way that has helped tremendously. I know that I am making progress, but sometimes it just seems really slow. I'm still in constant pain, although the level of pain has decreased slightly and my independence has increased slightly. I've been trying to wake up each morning with a positive attitude, excited about what new step I'll take today. (Sometimes it is easy to fall into the habit of waking up to the same monotony of recovery and thinking, "Here we go again").

When the pace of life slows down this much, it is amazing how such basic things give one joy everyday. Much of the day is spent trying to do things that one should be able to do, or sleeping, but there are things I look forward to everyday. I love walking. I was so afraid of paralysis when I first learned about the surgery that I am grateful for every step I can take, even if I still need the cane sometimes. I love when my husband comes home from work and lays by my side and strokes my hair. I love that I can sit up long enough to watch some morning television. I love taking showers (although I can't wash my hair by myself yet).

I've come a looong way. My husband was making me laugh last night (which is usually not a great idea because it turns into crying from pain), but he was retelling stories from the hospital of how pathetic I was trying to use the breathing machine and cough. Sometimes breathing is still difficult and coughing hurts like hell still, but it is better than one month ago, and next week will be better than this.

Before and After pictures

Need I say more?

Can and Cannot

I'm just over three weeks post-op. Three weeks ago I basically could not do anything by myself. Here is a brief list of things that I now can do and those things that still frustrate me because I cannot do them. I'm sure with my progress the "cannot" list will diminish.

Cannot:
Turn on the bathroom faucet
Flush the toilet without using my cane
Wash my own hair
Get up and into bed by myself
Drink without a straw
Sleep longer than 2 hours
Laugh because it hurts so badly that it makes me cry
Wear more than my three comfy surgery outfits
This list would be a lot longer if I included everything I can't do that I had already expected, but why bother adding all of those?

Can:
I got in a car and rode 5 minutes to the mall for the Bath and Bodyworks Semi-Annual Sale!!!!! Woo hoo. The car ride hurt, but was so much easier than the car ride home from the hospital. I wouldn't do it everyday, but it was LOVELY to get outside for a little bit!

Reach the bathroom faucet (but not turn it on)
Take my robe off and put it on by myself
Move my tray table
Eat ice cream
It is easier to turn myself over on the bed
Sit up a lot longer
Type at the computer
Walking a bit faster
Walk around the house without my cane
Touch the top of my head and sort of brush my hair
Eat ice cream (yes, I know I already wrote that, but now you see how important it is to me) :)
Hold up a magazine to read it
Ingest less pain medicine
Walk almost the length of the park (no one really knows what it means, but trust me, it is a lot longer than I could walk one week ago)
Sleep a little better
Bend my head forward and to the sides a little bit more
I'm sure there is more, but it is now time for dinner! :)

Nerves waking up

I feel very grateful that my left leg is waking up, but nerves waking up are quite painful. I had no idea. I wouldn't say that the pain is worse than that in my back, but I guess I have to go through the pain to get my feeling back. That is worth it.

I'm back on the blog

Hi friends!

I've decided to sit up and try doing a bit of blogging. I'm glad to see that my husband kept everyone up-to-date on the surgery. He has been a wonderful help, as many of you recognized.

I'm now almost three weeks post-op and have made much progress. I'm still in constant pain, but am doing small new things everyday (such as putting in my contacts)! Woo hoo. I ended up staying in the hospital for 10 days, most of which I was unable to eat any solid foods because I had a paralytic illis (sp?). There was one awful day in which they wheeled me around from ward to ward running tests and trying to get my digestion to wake up again. Needless to say, it was one the times I remember constantly screaming on the tables as they performed these tests. Honestly, I do not remember a whole lot from the first few days, but according to my mother and husband, that is for the best. Mom said often it was like watching her daughter being tortured, but now we're slowly starting to see the positive results. I could not have done this without my family by my side constantly.

In general, my hospital visit was ok. All of the nurses were pleasant, except one who came in trying to fake a British accent because my mother is British and he was really pissing me off as I was literally trying not to throw up. There were a few night nurses who obviously were not skilled in log rolling and were very rough with me. Many of the nurses said they wished that the last person on shift would write notes down about their experiences with me because each one came in fairly clueless about what I had been through.

I'm fairly comfortable at home now. I'm increasing my walking each day and am currently walking about 1/2 mile per day. I'm sitting longer, but in between each activity, I have to go lay down and rest. I'm thrilled that I get to shower now, although I can't reach my head yet, so my husband still has to help. I've also learned that my walking cane comes in handy for flushing the toilet since I can't reach that either.

I've used my cane to walk outside because I have to descend my stairs and I just feel more comfortable because I still lose my balance once in a while. It is amazing to see how people treat you differently though, especially when you look young and are walking with a cane at the grand speed of 1 mile per hour (maybe). I have to say though, people do move out of your way, which is what I want at the moment. I don't want crazy kids on bikes crashing into me on the sidewalk. They are not supposed to be riding there anyway.

Well, I'm about out of energy to keep sitting, but the recovery is full of ups and downs, but luckily more ups as of late. However, I get really sharp pains in between my shoulder blades when I move my arms in certain positions. I don't know what that is about, but I guess that everything is just readjusting to their new positions.

I'll be back more frequently. Thank you to all who have commented and helped me through this process. I'll eventually post some before and after pictures, but right now I'm too nervous to look at my scar.

Home sweet home

We are finally back home after what seems like an eternity in the hospital (9 days). The old computer battery is running out so I'll spare the tales of digestive woe of the past week; suffice it to say that they kept Anya from getting out of the hospital a good two days earlier than she actually ended up. After many unpleasant attempts at jump-starting the system, it finally awoke to some extent and allowed her some old solid standbys: toast, crackers, fruit, etc.

The return home has been one of muted joy. On the one hand we recognize that the return is a huge step - one that says she's presumably well enough and we're responsible enough that she can go without the constant supervision of health-care professionals . . . On the other hand, it's difficult to re-adjust to what should be a familiar environment but no longer is. It was a difficult transition back because we had to re-discover "comfortable" positions in which to sit and lay, positions that we'd gotten down to a routine in the hospital but had to re-invent in the context of the house. Needless to say this caused quite a bit of pain, consternation, and frustration for all parties, particularly after the stress of the ride home from the hospital on a bumpy road (every crack in the concrete felt by the poor girl's back) and a rigorous climb up about 20 steps to the house. Even in the eight hours we've been home, though, things have started to get a little more comfortable . . . hopefully they will continue promisingly.

Seeing the one you love in pain that can only minutely be controlled is an absolutely awful, crushing feeling; this was the feeling at some points today when no positioning on the bed or the chairs was working correctly, as the pain medication was wearing off, as the stress of the trip home caught up. Seeing her awareness of the pain and the frustration of it all and the questioning of whether this was the right course (who wouldn't?) hurts too, as does the knowledge that your own ignorance of such pain, your own cluelessness about what to do to make it better, only adds to both frustrations. It is sometimes hard to keep the long-term in perspective when such suffering occurs in the short-term, but frankly it's our only hope. I think back on the lifetime of pain Anya's suffered thus far - even from something as innocuous as going to the grocery store - and hope that this incredibly intense period of pain is just some bizarre, last-gasp compensation for the blissful relief that will follow it.

She is one tough cookie and I love her deeply for it. Now that she's ruling the house again (and with a cane), I expect it will be only a few days before she's back blogging herself. Maybe she can reveal more what this is actually like, something I try to understand and sympathize with but know I can never even approach.

Baby got (new) back

Anya continues to move forward - quite literally. She's had many rough spots the last couple of days - searing pain, nausea and dizzyness when vertical, and the inability of her stomach and intestines to wake up from the anesthesia are among them. The last of these really holds her back: once her stomach gets going, we can feed her something other than ice chips and she can start taking oral pain meds, which are much easier to maintain and give a constant baseline of treatment, unlike the IV pain meds she's on now. She had one unit of blood transfused yesterday to help with the nausea and dizzyness; it's fixed the former but not the latter, and so she may get another unit this afternoon. The blood did help her get her color back, and she's not so swollen anymore.

Nonetheless her progress is very clear. After struggling to sit and stand yesterday, she's done both of those repeatedly with ever more encouraging results. She walked about 100 feet with a walker today, and I'm sure we'll do that again before the day is out. Once that stomach gets active we expect a big jump in activity - at least I hope for one, since she'll have to learn how to climb 20 stairs before getting out of the hospital! We're estimating Sunday or Monday before she gets out.

In the course of all her treatments and evaluations and routine bed-changings yesterday, I got a glimpse at her new back, which is covered in dressings at the moment. The sight of a straight, clean incision wasn't so much a shock as a relief, knowing that it holds a lot of promise. She's a least an inch taller (but still a little shorter than me) and I can tell that she has "two real hips" - her greatest anticipations before the surgery!

It's especially poignant when I compare it to her old back, which I had to clean with a sterilizing pad several times before her operation on Monday night and Tuesday morning. When I was looking at it then, I found it strange that I wouldn't see this curvy back that I'd known and loved and rubbed and cracked for five years again. But having seen her new back, I don't in the least miss it since the possibilities seem to just leap out of it.

Dispatches from the bedside

My name is Chris; I'll be your substitute blogger for approximately the next two weeks, as the Curvy One is currently recovering in the hospital from her spinal fusion surgery yesterday. Everything went well; the surgeon encountered no unexpected problems and accomplished everything he hoped. The curve correction should be from around 55 degrees to around 20, and he anticipates 80-85% pain reduction once the fusion holds. It was a great relief to hear him say that everything had gone well!

The experience has been very good compared to some stories we've heard . . . My mother-in-law and I waited in the lobby during the 5 1/2 hour surgery and the staff was very meticulous about keeping us updated, and the surgeon was prompt in talking to us afterward. The nursing staff has been excellent as well - friendly and sympathetic, and as gentle as possible.

Pain management is a problem, as anticipated . . . and unfortunately IV drip pain medication has the disadvantage of, upon waking up, discovering that the last dose has worn off and then waiting for the new one to take effect. It will be a great thing when her stomach awakens and decides to start processing stuff - food, drink, pain medication in pill form . . . Can't happen soon enough! (And we expect it to.) "Log-rolling" has been every bit the discomfort and pain we heard about - one of my lovely wife's pet peeves is the question, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your pain?" (The answer for scoliosis patients is: "Does not apply. Skewed scale.") She rated last night's log-rolling pain to be a 15. :(

Nonetheless having prepared for the surgery and having family here is making the transition much easier. I was happy to have my mother-in-law to lean on yesterday, and vice versa; we also knew what was going on thanks to a prior surgery and meticulous research for the last year, as well as the surgical team's thorough briefings and information packets.

It's strange, the emotions associated with this surgery . . . utterly different from things like bypasses or appendectomies. This is a life-changing event, an opening up of possibility but one that kind of teases you from afar since we know there's much more rehab left to do. There was obvious anxiety beforehand that the surgery would go well - although to our Lovely Patient's credit, she was calm, collected, and very brave even when wheeled out to surgery! My mother-in-law and I worried as we waited, but the constant updates helped; when it was complete, we felt not relief but pride. Our lady did it, and conquered her own fears in the doing. We've been proud and excited and beaming ever since, even while we sympathize and try to make her comfortable in these most painful of days.

Nonetheless the world of the spinal fusion isn't humorless. She's in that in-between state of sort-of sleep, drifting in and out while making coherent statements and not remembering them. :) First words on seeing me: "Hi honey. I love you. My back hurts." Needless to say, being down on painkillers and anesthesia doesn't preclude being cute. She's very excited that she's going to be taller, and has asked three times how tall she is now - which, well, we won't know until she stands up for the first time. And one more gem based on her love for the only food/drink allowed her: "I'm an ice chip addict." We hope she becomes a recovery addict. More to come.

It is time

Tomorrow I will be going into surgery. Finally - after a 15 year battle and resistance to surgery, I have surrendered my fears to God and the ability of my surgical team and am ready to go in. I'm feeling a little nervous today, but am going out with a bunch of friends tonight for dinner. I've spent the last two days showing my mother around the city since she has never been here, so we have had a good time.

Thank you to all who have supported me, cared about me, and loved me. I will be back soon, but my husband will write on my blog and on the scolio forum. Prayers and good thoughts are highly appreciated.

Here I go!

One week to go!

This time next week my surgery should be over! Wow!!! I'm in disbelief, but I'm also in a lot of pain still from throwing out my upper back and shoulder. I've cancelled all my plans the last two days to try to get better so we can go away on our wedding anniversary trip tomorrow. When we get back, my mother arrives and it is surgery time. Unbelievable.

I would write more, but I hurt. I'll blog again before I go into the hospital.

So much pain! :(

Yesterday we went over to Lake Michigan and after the simple act of running down a sand dune, I completely threw out my neck and upper back. So instead of having a fun Memorial Day, I am laying on the couch alternating ice and heat. Unbelievable!! I have one week until my surgery and was supposed to be enjoying it, but instead, my husband is getting a preview of what this summer will be like. Of course, I am freaking out about getting better so I can have the surgery because my right side is completely swollen. I can barely move. I hardly slept last night.

Of course, I'm trying to use the grabber to do things like getting dressed, but I keep dropping the grabber! :) I was laughing so hard though last night when my husband was trying to put a hairband in my hair so I could try to shower. After about 10 tries, he still didn't get it. Wow - this is going to be a funny summer. :)

Well, I'm totally bummed and completely in pain. I'm not allowed to take advil either because of the surgery.

I don't understand my body.

2 weeks to go, pre-op

The hospital pre-op was not as bad as I thought today. I'm a little sore after the bending x-rays, but other than that, I missed out on the neuro baseline test. :) I didn't get to go see the nurses though and learn how to log roll. I'm a little nervous about that. The good news is that I get my own hospital room (yay for no roommates) and the hospital allows cell phones and has free wireless internet, so my husband can keep everyone up-to-date.

My veins decided to protest the nurses taking anymore blood after it had already given multiple pints of blood. My other arm finally decided to give up its blood though. :)

The bad/good news: My dad is currently in the ICU after having a 99% blockage in one of his heart arteries. He is incredibly stubborn and had chest pain for 3 weeks before he told anyone about it. Luckily, he did go in and now is alive because of it. He was also stubborn enough not to give out any emergency contact numbers while he was in the hospital because he didn't think anything would go wrong. Grrr. The only reason he is alive is because he keeps himself in such good health. Wow -what a week. For the next two weeks, I hope for peace, quiet, and health.

Honestly now

Is a little health too much to ask? I don't need a fancy car or anything material, but some peace and quiet and health would be nice. On Monday, not only am I going to the hospital for lots of pre-op procedures, but now my dad is having an angioplasty/stent put in because of a heart blockage. You have to understand - my dad is one of the most active, healthy individuals ever who exercises constantly, watches what he eats, and gets plenty of rest. My doctoral advisor is also going to be in the hospital on Monday for gallstone surgery.

Apparently the place to be this Monday is the hospital. Hope no one else joins us there!

No more blood donations

I'm done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've given my three pints and I'm done!!!!!!!! Can you tell that I'm excited I don't have to go back to the Red Cross?

Tomorrow starts doctor's pre-op appointments and next Monday is my day in the hospital. Yuck.

Last night I was at a potluck and of course people had to comment on my hair since I chopped almost a foot off. One of my colleagues goes, "Wow, with all that hair gone your back must not hurt now." Yeah, if it was only that easy. Cut your hair=cure scoliosis. Some people don't have a clue, but I laughed and then turned around and rolled my eyes.

Before and After

Well, I don't have my before and after pictures of my back up yet, but I did chop 11 inches off my hair today! This is the most dramatic thing I have ever done to my hair (I know, real adventurous, huh?) This will be MUCH easier to deal with during surgery! Tomorrow is my last blood donation. Woo hoo

Prayers tomorrow for Kari who is going through scoliosis surgery!

2nd Blood Donation

Ok, this time I was a rock star! I refused to feel ill and actually the ten minutes flew by as I chatted with my husband and the nurse. This experience was so much better than last week. One more to go! I can do it!!!! :)

One month to go and trying not to count

Today is May 5th (Cinco de Mayo to some), one month until scoliosis surgery to me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Yesterday I just felt like I was on the edge. Quite frankly, most of this didn't have to do with surgery, but other matters ranging from the absurd to the annoying to the serious, which I won't get into now.

Ok, deep breaths. I had a dream last night that I was post-op and I was walking around my house trying to do too much and my husband was telling me to rest. That's a good sign, right? I'll take that as a preminision (sp?) that everything is going to be ok and I will be my fiesty, stubborn ol' self once again. :)

Next blood donation is Monday. I hope I won't get sick this time.

Wedding and blood donations!

I'm back from the absolutely beautiful wedding of my sister-in-law. It was such a fun weekend and I love hanging out with my husband's side of the family. The DJ played our first dance song from two years ago and my husband and I had to go out on the dance floor. So sweet. They also did a tribute "The Hokie Pokie" to all the Virginia Tech Hokies in the wedding and in general.

The only drama of the weekend was the Best Man who was an absolute womanizing ass. He brought his girlfriend, but hit on all of us and even physically grabbed us. One of the many times he hit on me (while my husband and sister-in-law were there) was when he picked me up and grabbed me and then asked, "Are you scared of me?" I said, "No, I'm not scared of any man," to which he replied, "You will be scared of me." I just rolled my eyes as he put me down and said, "I don't think so." Oh, the list goes on, but I won't relay it all here.

Nobody in my family said anything insensitive about my surgery. I was quite pleased. My husband's grandma grew up by Carmelite nuns, and she has been in contact with them and they will spend June 5th praying for me in my surgery and apparently I am going to receive some holy water. She actually had them do this for my thyroid surgery too and it went very well, so whatever works - I'll take all the prayers I can get! :)

Yesterday I had my first blood donation. I thought I was doing so well until about half way through when I got really nauseous and hot. The nurses laid me down and put cold compresses on me. I actually recovered fairly quickly, but then it took a long time to actually get up and go get some snacks because I kept getting dizzy and nauseous. I'm not looking forward to the next two Mondays when I have to do this again. My husband says that this reaction is actually quite normal.

Wow - almost a month. I'm starting to get some of my anxiety symptoms back. I'm so busy though with the end of the semester I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I can't believe this is all happening. Really. :(

ranting of the day

I was on the bus on my way home today when an older man decided to verbally attack a group of teenage girls right in front of me. I won't repeat what he said, but it seemed to come out of the blue for no apparent reason. We were all in shock and I was trying to think of what to do when he stepped off the bus and said if we said anything he would slap us in the face. The poor girls were frightened, and then they got mad. I told them they should report this, but how are you going to catch the guy when he left the bus and went out of sight? I took a good long look at his face and have to figure out what to do if I see him again. I am so angry and so saddened by this incident. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Why can bad people get away with these things? Where's the justice?

Then I get home and receive an email from a problem student who wants to meet with me to explain what a difficult time he is having this semester. He didn't come for the exam today and skipped out on his presentation. Quite frankly after the VT incident and because I've caught this person in lies before, I don't trust him. I don't think he is crazy or anything. I guess I'll have to tell him that this is a difficult life lesson. When faced with struggles, which we all go through, we have several options on how to handle our lives and what choices we make, and unfortunately for him, he has made the wrong ones. I have another student whose mother passed away this semester (a complete tragedy) and is handling life much better. The whole thing is just stressing me out. I'm sure he will try to appeal to my more nurturing, feminine side, but that is just not going to work. My syllabus is quite clear, and I don't tolerate this kind of behavior.

And my final rant . . . this is the last week that I don't have anything scheduled for my surgery. Next week I start blood donations for 3 weeks in a row, and then I have some pre-op appointments. Eeeek. Oh, and my mom was hospitalized last night, but is doing ok now. It was just a colon infection, which antibiotics will kill, but I was scared.

One more rant (apparently the last one wasn't the final) . . . I tried to get some earrings converted to clip yesterday. (I had my ears pierced and then they got really infected and I haven't got them pierced again. I want to, but obviously right before surgery is not a good idea, but I needed these earrings for my sister-in-law's wedding). The lady in the store starts hounding me about not getting my ears pierced now, which leads me into a brief explanation that I'm having surgery this summer. She asks what surgery. (I guess I don't mind a complete stranger being nosy). Then she asks, "Will you be ok?" My answer: "I better be." What kind of question is that. What was I supposed to answer, "no, I'm doing this because I don't think it will help. . . " enough sarcasm.

That's all for now. This week we celebrate my sister-in-law's wedding. How exciting. I'm thrilled to be with my family (especially since there are so many Hokies who need hugs). I'll hopefully have exciting stories to share, as well as funny and probably inconsiderate things family members say about my upcoming surgery. :)

tragedy

I don't feel like I can write much. It has been a long two days. One side of my family lives in the New River Valley area and are Hokies. I thank God that my sister-in-law's friend escaped one of the classrooms where the shooting took place. However, that does not change the utter despair and tragedy that everyone is feeling, especially those with ties to the Virginia Tech community.

Hokies will prevail! We love you and pray for all your families.

Because Silence is Costly

My title phrase is taken from the poet, Audre Lorde, but I have a reason for using it (besides the fact that I had to read some of her work for one of my seminars).

Scoliosis is a silent disability. It is one that often we can hide easily and that when we do try to talk about it, no one understands us. The Red Cross called me today to schedule my blood donations - I guess it is becoming real. The only way to attempt to let people into your world and understand is to talk.

I've spent over 15 years dealing with scoliosis, and I would say that I have been silent about it for at least 10-11 years of those. I've decided to start telling my story in pieces.

I was diagnosed when I was 13 after going into the doctor twice complaining about back pain. At that time it was 29 degrees and I was not initially braced. I went to an artsy middle school, which also had an exchange program in Japan that year. Shortly after I was diagnosed with scoliosis I went to Japan for a month to study and I remember carrying around these huge backpacker's bags and hurting even back then. My teachers who went with me could not give a crap about my newly diagnosed condition and pretty much told me to suck it up, although we all know that carrying around 50 plus pounds can do more damage than good. I think it was partly because of this experience that I learned asking for help or letting people know that I hurt did me no good.

In high school, I did not want anyone to know that I had scoliosis. The only problem with that was that my doctor told me I could not take P.E. class. Instead I took dance class. One girl, Miranda, said to me, "I wish I had scoliosis so I didn't have to take P.E." Those words still haunt me until this day, although I've done my best to forgive her ignorance and insensitiveness - we were only teenagers. However, I never talked about my scoliosis, and I did many things wrong. However, I moved heavy objects when people asked me to because otherwise I would have to admit I was different, and those volatile teenager years are no time to admit difference! :)

I was on the swim team to help control my scoliosis and never thought that my scoliosis hindered my swimming in anyway. I received the Noah Wolfson Award my sophmore year, which is an award given in memory of Noah Wolfson who was a swimmer and died of cancer at a young age. At the award ceremony the coach told all the guests that even though I had scoliosis, I never let it stop me from achieving my goals and perservered through pain and trial. Lovely story, huh? I was humiliated!! I could not believe that this person thought it was okay to tell everyone about this hidden curve on my back. Aw, to be young and a stupid teenager. I do appreciate the award now.

Only two of my friends dealt with me in my brace. Those two precious friends who have stood by me for all this time are coming out to take care of me this summer for a few days! Well, I think this blog is long enough (probably too long if you have read all this way). I will write another installment later.

2 months

My surgery is 2 months from today! Eeeekk. I know it is the beginning of a new life, but this is scary. My wedding anniversary is right before my surgery and my husband asked me last night what I wanted to do, and I couldn't even answer because it is so close to surgery that I don't even want to think about it.

On a positive note, our new home is coming along great! My husband played electrician yesterday and installed 2 new light fixtures. Woo hoo - they work! He had never done anything like that before. Now we have a few big holes in the bathroom where ugly cabinets used to be, so we're in the middle of a mini-remodeling project that will hopefully be done this week.

Our New Home!

Woo hoo - my husband and I are finally in our new home! We have this horrible trend though of moving in inclement weather. When we moved to Richmond, VA we got all of our stuff in 1/2 hour before Hurricane Hugo hit and flooded downtown. When we first moved to Madison, the day after tornados hit Stoughton and wiped out the town (20 miles or so outside of Madison). So, this time when we moved, we did so in a HUGE storm with thunder and lightning, and the tornado sirens going off constantly. However, we had 8 people helping us who were true troopers and kept a smile on their faces even though they were absolutely soaked to the bone! I fed them well with pizza and beer though.

It took over an hour to try to get our couch into the condo! That is the picture I posted! Luckily, our beautiful red couch finally made it with a few red scratches on our newly-painted walls. Well, needless to say, I have completely over-pushed myself in the last couple of days, and boy is my back paying for it. I have a massage therapy appointment tomorrow, so hopefully that will help. My friends were very kind in helping us to move and making sure I didn't hurt myself - unfortunately my back is bad enough that even though I have not moved anything heavy, the whole process (walking around, moving a few things, organizing the kitchen, etc.) was enough to do me in. We still have a lot more to do on the house, but it is looking good. I'm so excited!!!

How dumb can my student get?

I work on a campus of over 40,000 people. I suppose one of my students was counting on me NOT running into him hanging out with his friends today. I received an email from him yesterday saying that his brother got in a bad car accident and he was currently in the airport waiting to fly out to go help him. . . therefore he couldn't take the quiz, and could he make it up after break.

BUSTED!!! Oh, he makes me so mad, but I"m laughing hysterically because I just sent him an email saying #1 - I presume he wasn't actually at the airport going home since he said hi to me on the street today. #2 - He will receive a zero on his quiz. #3 - he is over his absence limit and I will lower his grade like the syllabus says. #4 - I will not tolerate deception and this kind of behavior in my class, so I suggest he gets his ass in gear (ok, I didn't use the word ass, but you know what I mean). DUMBASS kids!!!! Wow - so busted!!!!

Home Sweet Home

I can't believe it. We are closing on our first home tomorrow!!!! :) Woo hooooooo. I have moved countless times and honestly have not felt like I've had a real home since my teenage years. My husband and I are so excited to have a home to create a nice, loving, safe space. I'm not looking forward to actually moving though. Obviously I will not be moving anything heavy. We have about 7-8 people helping us to move. I have a cold right now and when I started coughing this morning, I threw out my back. Ouch. Gotta love scoliosis!

List for the hospital

As promised on the forum, here is the list I compiled for the hospital. I would greatly appreciate any advice on other things I'm forgetting. . .

Things to bring to the hospital:
chapstick
robe
slippers with grips/flipflops, slipper socks
teeth cleansers (those disposable ones), toothbrush and toothpaste
complete medical history and medication list
loose fitting clothing for the way home and some for the hospital if possible
i-pod
phone list
glasses
cell phone
a few bendy straws
my own pillows
pictures and other mementos that will help me feel better
hairbrush
body lotion
feminine supplies
lots of pillows for the ride home
journal for family to write when I get my pain meds, which ones, and names of nurses and doctors

teaching

So, I'm a graduate student. I've been teaching my own class of undergrads for the last two years, and next year I'm a TA for some class in the music history department. However, the TA the faculty assigned me requires 4 hours of teaching in a row and my advisor is concerned for my physical well-being at 3 months post-op. Now I feel like I'm causing all these problems in the department even though I know having surgery is not my fault. I hate being a burden and making people readjust their schedules. I'm frustrated. I know I would do it for someone else if they were in my position, but it is safe to say that people have a lot of misconceptions about scoliosis and don't understand the size of this surgery.

Of course, I think I can teach for 4 hours in a row, but my mind has always been stronger than my body - that is one of the ways you live with constant pain.

why the pain?

Today was our inspection for our condo. Very exciting . . . except the fact that it took 1 1/2 hours and my back really really hurts. I was trying to be professional and walk around, but I ended up sitting on our new living room floor. Usually I can deal with the pain everyday, but once in a while the pain becomes unbearable. I came home, took a bath, and am sitting with a heating pad, but I still can't move very well or bend over. I guess that's why I'm having surgery, huh?

Facing reality?

I may be slowly coming out of denial. I made surgery purchases this weekend. I bought bendable straws (woo hoo), a raised toilet seat (who would have thought I needed one of those in my late 20s), and a grabber. I already started chasing my husband around the house with the grabber - hee hee, just preparing him for things to come. Hmm - probably not, but nice idea.

So, I'm going to start putting together a list of things I will need in the hospital and after, and I will post it later, and hopefully some of you can tell me what I missed or give me other suggestions.

It is finalized

I have a date: June 5, 2007.

Now I've started crying again, but I suppose that is a natural reaction. Surgery workup is May 21st - I wonder what I should expect???

Feeling a little blue

I went for my echocardiogram today. Honestly this is one of the least painful parts of pre-op procedures. I don't really expect that a cardiology department would know a lot about scoliosis, but the woman's first question was, "What did you do to your back?" UHT! Nothing - gee, isn't that funny. Ok, enough sarcasm. Then she did not know what to say about my upcoming surgery. I find most people don't. So then she asks the question that I just absolutely love (note sarcasm again): "So, does your back hurt?" Maybe if my career fails I will go around the world informing people about scoliosis and back pain. Honestly now!

I'm feeling a little blue today. Perhaps it is because I did not get enough sleep and ran out of English Breakfast Tea, which I rely on to get me going in the morning. (I'm British) Some of my colleagues are also being very cautious around me, which to an extent I appreciate, but I also feel like they are expecting me to be more "down" than I am. Today someone asked me, "How are you?" (with a concerned look). I replied, "Fine thank you," to which he then replied, "Are you sure?"

Perhaps my 4am mini-panic attack about surgery still showed on my face. Oh well. I hope to get a good night's sleep, and hopefully a BEAUTIFUL 60 degree day tomorrow will perk me up. I must go get some tea as well!

Surgery

Well, I'm having surgery. I actually don't feel like writing about it right now because I'm exhausted, and let's face it . . . in denial. However, when I was home over Christmas and sorting through old stuff, I came across this letter from my grandfather. My grandad is my guarding angel, and this is what I found from 1993:

The card itself reads:
Sometimes it seems that life is most difficult when we're the most vulnerable - when pulling through and sorting things out seems like an impossible task. And yet, when we do, our sense of accomplishment is great - giving us new hope and courage to continue. Take heart that brighter, happier days are in store and that others care about you very much.

My grandad wrote inside:
I am so sorry to hear about your various ailments, especially problems with your back and the nuisance of wearing a brace. But knowing you, you will grit your teeth, grin and bear it, and as time passes you will be "fit as a fiddle." Bless you darling.

Ok grandad, I'm ready to be "fit as a fiddle" now. This card will go to the hospital with me.

Will write more later when I feel like talking about surgery.

Aren't students charming?

I love teaching. Don't get me wrong. It is my passion and the thing I want to do for the rest of my life. However, I cannot stand college students who take everything for granted and feel that they are entitled to everything. Spoiled brats and rudeness are two qualities that I hate the most!

Did anyone ever talk back to their teachers? I would never dream of being rude to a teacher the way one of my students was rude to me today. He didn't bother reading the absence policy and figured he didn't have to come to class, so apparently that's my fault? Uht - grow up and attend the class. Education is not his right. If I were his boss, I'd fire him, hands down. That's what some of these kids don't get. They should treat their education like they were going to work.

So my absence policy: If they have more than three unexcused absences (my alarm didn't go off at 11am, I had a hang over, etc.,) I lower their grade. Period. It is stated clear and simply on the syllabus, and I spent at least 5 minutes on it the first day of class going over this.

Then, God forbid, I should make them write a 1 page essay for Friday. Yes, that's right. I said 1 page - whoop de freakin' do. They start whining, "but I've already had four writing assignments this week." Oh please, cry me a river. How whiny and spoiled can you get? I said a few words to them (which I can't remember now, but they sounded like parenting) and followed them up by, "I won't stand for whining over stupid things in this class."

What I really wanted to say was, "Ok, you don't want to write a short paper. How about you go to the spine surgeon with me tomorrow and we take your spine apart and fuse it. Then we'll give you something to whine about." I admit that is being self-centered, but I'm a little edgy and teary because I've worked so hard for 15 years to avoid surgery and tomorrow may be a turning point. Plus, I'm in a whole lot of back pain right now, and because of the big storms, I can't roll my bag like I usually do because there is too much snow. So I carry my bag, and of course, now I hurt.

How was that for whining? Do I sound like my students? :)

I really do love most of them, but sometimes they just need tough love, or a swift kick in the you-know-what.

Round Two

I have to say the blizzard was quite dissapointing as far as blizzards go, but we still got a lot of snow. The snow thunder and lightning last night was pretty cool though! Needless to say, my husband is not pleased it is snowing again since he has spent over 3 hours shoveling this weekend. I can't imagine how all those people in NY dug out of 9 feet!

Round 1

The calm before the storm, aka 7 inches of snow BEFORE the blizzard. This is apparently this biggest storm we have had since 1990!!! It doesn't look quite blizzard-esque out there yet, but apparently I just have to sit tight and wait. We went to the grocery store with half of the city last night to stock up on food. Wow - it was craziness. I'm sure I'll update later.

For Lent

My husband gave up swearing for Lent - that lasted about 5 hours. He lost. He tried this last year too - and failed. Maybe he should try giving up something else . . .

I don't understand

Like one of my blogger friends said, I can't go into details over this blog, but let me try to explain how I'm feeling in a vague way.

Many of us are very very privledged women (and men, but this is about women), and many of us take way too many things for granted and feel like we are entitled to way too much. It doesn't seem fair that women sit around complaining about not being thin enough, or other trivial things in life, when there is just soooooo much abuse happening to women all over the world. . . of course the US is included. However, I heard a story today that breaks, no shatters, my heart into a zillion pieces. My new friend is from another country and she lives here in the US working on her PhD right now, and is trying to seek asylum for some very very very good and heartbreaking reasons. She is perhaps the strongest person I have ever met, and morally I can't relay her story, especially over a blog.

I know that there are so many women who are in terrible situations, and some people will say, "oh that is horrible, but what are we going to do?" I feel so utterly powerless and want to believe that this country will make the correct decision about her future, but when you know someone who is in such a tough position--you actually look in someone's eyes and know that the legal system holds power literally over their life--what else can you do? What can I do? Why are people so selfish, so greedy, so inhumane? Where is the justice?

Why am I still in music? I feel like I should be going out and doing something for human rights. I just don't understand how we let our fellow humans suffer so badly. Why is everyone a spokesperson for God, instead of God Him/Herself? Why should religion cause such conflicts? I'm not actually seeking answers here, but just venting the great mysterious unknown questions.

Good, innocent, beautiful women around this world are being so badly abused, and killed each day. What can we do about it?

Grieving

It is weird how you can grieve so deeply for someone you never met. I just spoke with my mother on the phone, and even she has been crying all day. . . and she never corresponded with Trudy. I think when someone's death is tied to something so close to your heart, it makes it more difficult. . . especially when you are awaiting surgery and need to make a decision in 2 weeks.

I just don't understand why she had to die. I just can't imagine the pain her family is going through.

As someone said on the forum, dear Trudy is a scoliosis-free angel in heaven. May she rest in peace (pain free) and may her family know that she is never far away.

beyond sad

Trudy, a woman in her thirties who has three children, died from complications during scoliosis surgery. I've never met her, but know her through the scoliosis forum, and I am beyond saddened and completely shocked by this news. Her poor family! It is so weird to have been talking to her over the forum a couple of days ago and to think she is no longer here. It makes me cry to re-read all of the positive encouragement given to her in the last week and her trust that everything was going to turn out ok, and her plans for post-op. She wanted to take a mini vacation to the beach when she was getting better. I can't even begin to comprehend this. One of our brave scoliosis women has died. Why? why? I don't get it.

God bless you and rest in peace.

Part 2 to "You know it's cold when. . ."

when Madison schools cancel for the first time since the early 90s (not the University though)

when the wind makes tears form in your eyes but then they freeze before you can cry

when your work office is an igloo - no, really! The inside of my windows were covered in multiple layers of ice/snow-type stuff.

You know it is cold when . . .

you have to scrape ice off of the INSIDE of your car windows

your temperature almost matches International Falls, Minnesota

tomorrow's high is negative 5 and that is warmer than it is now

you can't wait until the temperature reaches single digits ABOVE zero

your husband wants to run outside without a jacket and hat on just to see what it feels like

your eyelashes develop icicles after 4 minutes of being outside (information care of my husband's experience outside - and yes, I witnessed the icicles)

even the hardcore ice fishermen don't go out on the lake for the weekend

when you've lost count of the number of layers you have on and can barely move in your clothes

when dog owners decide it is better to let their dogs "do their business in the house on newspaper" rather than take them outside

when the sun doesn't melt anything, even an ice cube

oh, but students in Madison don't actually get a "cold day" (yes, like a snow day) unless it reaches negative 50 with wind chill and we have about 25 more degrees to that goal! :)

Now, this is a real winter . . . makes you hearty and strong! :)

appointment in 1 month - getting scared

Last March I came home in tears after Dr. Tribus told me that my curve was now 55 degrees and he "didn't like the look of where it was going." He told me to come back a year later and we'll decide about doing surgery in June of 2007. Well, a year later is almost here and I've done a lot of research over the last year, a lot of crying, and a lot of growing as a person.

I'm getting scared though. I think I'm scared of making the decision one way or the other. If I have surgery in June, then it is obvious why I have fear. However, I'm just as scared if we decide not to do surgery. If surgery is imminent sometime in my future, how much longer do I have to wait? How is that going to affect family planning in the next few years? Am I really going to continue to live with this pain? I feel like if I don't do surgery, I'm kind of back to square one. If I don't, then there is the big - WHAT NEXT question. I've done everything I can for scoliosis - tried everything that is nonsurgical. What else could I do if Dr. Tribus decides not to do surgery this year?

If I go ahead with the surgery then the pre-op procedures begin and it becomes REAL. I'm ok talking about it right now because it is not really real to me yet. It hit me initially last year when Dr. Tribus informed me that surgery was most likely in my future, but lately I've had to just move on with my life and not think about it constantly. It is not healthy to dwell. Now I'm starting to dwell again . . .

Perhaps I'm starting to think about it more today it is because my pain level is quite high and I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night because of pain. I even sleep on a temperpedic (sp?) bed. I feel very crooked today (spine wise) :)

My husband is going to take a picture of my spine so I can have a pre-op picture and so it can help my friends understand. I'll post it later.

Isn't it amazing?

Today (January 29th) is one of those days where I'm constantly reminded of the mysteries of how the world works. 8 years ago, my friend Dave died tragically in an avalanche, and I remember that day vividly. However, 8 years ago today, one of my dearest friend's daughter was born. I have known my friend since we were both 1 year old, and we grew up together everyday - we still call each other "sis." Well, she has a beautiful daughter, who I've had the pleasure of watching grow up (only visiting once in a while though because she is in Oregon). Anyway, I love them like family, and I can't wait to see what the future holds for this precious 8 year old (going on 13 - watch out!!!!). Today, I asked her if she "felt different now that she's 8." (Ok, really I just like to hear the funny things she says :) She said, "Yes, I feel bigger." I laughed. Then I thought, well, you know, I will probably feel bigger on my next birthday too - in fact, I may grow about an inch (with the help of metal rods in the spine). Ha ha ha - that's a real reason to feel bigger. (I didn't think it was appropriate to share that information with her).

Anyway, Happy Birthday my dear. One beloved life was lost, and one was gained - she will always be extremely important in my life, but is even more precious because of the significance of the day of her birth. I wish her the fullest, most beautiful life - one that Dave would also have wanted for her.

What is wrong with people?

Well, there is a lot wrong with many people, but I have to say, that I was not pleased with Tina Fay's comments on The View this morning. Ok, #1 - so my husband has a crush on her, so I've never really liked her (hee hee). #2 - When discussing politics, she stated that instead of having a woman, a black man, and a hispanic man run for office, why can't the Democrats just nominate an old white man so they can win? UHT - I'm sorry, but I think it is pretty darn clear many of us are sick and tired of listening to old white men in politics, and second of all, why are we still at the point where we have to go on and on about gender and race? Why shouldn't we have a woman for president? A black man for president? A hispanic man for president? What difference does it really make? If it turns out that the best potential president will be an old white guy, then so be it, but DO NOT say that Democrats can't win because their candidates do not fit in the club of old white men!

Thoughts on skiing

I had no idea Madison kept its zoo open in the snow! Doesn't this polar bear look just like he's at home now? The bears were out at the zoo, along with the Bison, but otherwise, naturally, not much was out, but it was a fun snow walk.

So, I went skiing yesterday and had so much fun. My body is paying for it today though - oh so sore! However, I did not fall and went down many black diamonds. I used to be quite the little ski bunny when I was young and skiied at Lake Tahoe a lot, but I am more careful now because of my back. I have to say that my physical therapy that I've done this year must be paying off because my knees didn't hurt nearly as much as they did last year when we went skiing. Yay for getting my legs stronger!!!

We went skiing last night in support of a fund raiser for ski equipment for the disabled. We've done it every year, and I almost didn't go this year because I thought it would make me sad. Why? I thought it would make me sad because I thought skiing would be crossed off my list of things I could do post-op. As I was happily gliding down the mountain (ok, mountain is a little exaggerated in Wisconsin), I decided that I don't see any reason why I couldn't ski a couple years after back surgery. I don't bend my back my back while skiing and I'm experienced enough that I know how to be careful. I could just cross black diamonds off my list of to-dos. My husband said, "That's my girl. I don't think 'I can't' is in your vocabulary." Well, that is probably a little exaggerated too. I can't do math. Hee hee - but it is true, as far as my back goes, I'm pretty determined to do whatever I can, and not much usually stops me when I put my mind to it. I hope I'm this optimistic when it comes time for surgery and recovering.

It is good to be home

Well, the 20 degree weather with a nice blanket of snow makes me feel like I'm home. We had a wonderful trip and spent quality time with family and friends, for which I am grateful. We also made a trip up to the Northwest, which I love rain or shine (ok, rain the whole time). We made two heroic attempts (not really) to view Mt. Saint Helens, but apparently the weather had other plans. :) However, our flight back home enabled us to see lots of beautiful snow covered mountain ranges. (You don't see a lot of those in the Midwest).

I added two pictures from the beaches in California. I'm a beach baby at heart (even though I'm a big fan of the snow too), and absolutely love watching waves crashing and viewing sealife. Isn't the seal just the cutest thing? Luckily, we had some wonderfully sunny days to spend strolling on the beaches and breathing in that fresh ocean air. :)

So, from the sunny Cali beaches to the snow . . . tomorrow hubby and I are going skiing (yes, believe it or not there are "downhill skiing" places in Wisconsin. If indeed I go through with surgery in June, I know I won't be able to ski for a while, so I plan on living it up tomorrow!!!