pain

Everytime I get a day where I just plain hurt I realize again why I'm considering this surgery. Ok - here is a list of my activities today: I taught for an hour (on my feet mostly), I worked in the library for 2 hours, I came home, and I made dinner. Well after making dinner, my lower back is getting the kind of pain where it is making it difficult to take a deep breath in - it makes the pain worse. Then I decided I needed to clean up a bit even though I was hurting and finally told my husband, "That's it. I have to sit down." However, sitting down is not really diminishing the pain. I can feel it radiating in my lower and middle back, so I tried stretching a bit. Nope - there's still pain. Ugh.

Honestly, I didn't do anything crazy today. Shouldn't I be able to teach, study, and make some food without feeling this? I'm slightly frustrated today.

Here's my other observation today: There was a guy on the bus this morning with a very large leg brace on. However, no one would give up their seat for him. He was standing on one leg! I think that is terribly rude! I can't take the bus post-op because no one will move for me, especially when they can't see my scar. People need to be more aware of other's needs.

Hi body

I'm not sure if what I'm going to write makes sense, but here it goes. Ever since I was diagnosed with scoliosis at the age of 13 I've had a love/hate relationship with my body. Oh, who am I kidding - more of a hate/hate relationship with my body. I fought against it. I lifted heavy things when I knew I shouldn't. I stood longer through the pain than I should have. My back was my secret and I wasn't going to let it affect my life as a teenager, or even my life in my early 20s. That was me on the outside. I looked at my body and I got mad, or sometimes just apathetic.

As surgery becomes a bigger part of my life, I find myself looking in the mirror at my "one hip" (I only have one curve in my hips unlike a normal woman) and appreciating what my body has done for me. I suppose this might be in part from my physical therapist saying she is amazed at how well I have adjusted despite the degree of my curvature. I find myself "talking" to my body (not in some schizo way), but feeling like I am consoling my back, saying, it's ok - you and I are going to get through this, or looking at my curves in the mirror and asking, "why - why can't you vertebrae simply line up like you're supposed to?" I know this sounds like some mind/body split and I guess it is in a way. My body is me, but my scoliosis isn't me. It doesn't define who I am, although it is taking up way too much of my time now.

There are some days when I think my body's let me down, but others when I realize just how adaptable the human body is. I hope I'm just as "adaptable" post-op. Ugh - the waiting. . .
So I guess I'm moving into more of a love/hate relationship with my body, but hopefully more on the "love" side.

Oh dear, I'm sick

Ok, so I got a nasty cold over the weekend, one of those colds where you have some flu symptoms, but you don't have the flu. Then I pushed myself through Monday and Tuesday because those are my rough days at school, but today is the first time I actually cancelled teaching my class and am staying home. I'm sure my undergrad students are thrilled :) I hope that I don't push myself so hard after surgery. I'm guessing that I'll have more common sense then and won't be involved in so many commitments anyway.

I also felt somewhat pathetic as I lay on the bathroom floor feeling nauseous this morning. I kept thinking, come on Anya, if you think this is bad how are you going to handle surgery? However, sickness is sickness and I can't pretend I feel better than I do. Well time to catch up on watching some morning talk shows before trying to get some work done. . . or going back to bed . . .

I Feel Loved!

I don't usually write 2 blogs in one day, but I have to say that I feel loved. I just got off the phone with a friend who said that she wants to fly here from NY next summer to keep me company post-op and help out! 2 other friends have also offered the same. I have AMAZING friends! I'm starting to think that the summer might not go by so slowly. :) Of course by saying this I'm not forgetting my amazing family as well and my husband who is my rock and my everything.

AND, my sister-in-law is getting married and asked me to be her Matron-of-Honor! I'm so excited and honored - I have a sister!!! :) Her wedding will be about one month before my surgery. After a day of "what ifs" I'm now feeling sure that I will be surrounded by love.

Hmm, well today and yesterday have been kind of bad "what if" days. I don't like "what if" days where I think about what could go wrong with surgery. My husband and my mom yell at me when I start doing this and I know it does absolutely no good at all. I guess my current fear is the fear of having nerve damage. I know in my heart that I will still be able to walk after surgery, but I get scared thinking about any degree of nerve damage. Playing around with the spinal cord is no monkey business you know.

So today I met with my wonderful advisor who pretty much assured me that the faculty was going to support me going through surgery. I was planning on taking my doctoral exams this spring but it is just too much going through surgery too. I'm trying to cut down on the anxiety in my life. So I can wait another year and study while I recover. Wonderful! I'll need to do something to keep myself occupied because I'm not the type of person to just sit around. Yes, I know, this surgery is a great lesson in patience too.

Ok, hopefully no more "what ifs" tonight. Back to work and a nice cup of tea!

Special Needs

Ok, so I am a graduate student and the beginning of each semester is always fun because I meet new people who are completely unaware that I have severe scoliosis and I get interesting and often irksome comments.
So, I roll my bag. I don't carry it because those of you who have scoliosis know that carrying around loads of books will pretty much guarantee that your night will be spent with advil and a heating pad. Scoliosis for the most part is a hidden disability. My husband is hard of hearing and no one asks about his hearing aids because it is obvious or perhaps they feel awkward, but rolling a bag instead of carrying it leaves me wide open to receive all sorts of comments. I'm used to this and I calmly explain to people why I roll my bag. No problem.

Mondays are very long days for me. I teach and then sit through 5 hours of seminars. Luckily the first 3 hours are in a room with very comfortable chairs. However, my second seminar has those horrible wooden seats with a big hole where back support should be! So, I emailed my prof and asked her if I could sit in a different seat. Let me first say that I very much appreciate the fact that she does take my scoliosis seriously and is doing her best to accomodate me. However the chair today left my arm numb and me squirming in pain throughout the class. No problem again - I live with pain and I can carry on my life with a big ol' smile. However, this is where the problem came - I walk into class (slightly late from my last seminar) with about 20 students looking at me. My prof ANNOUNCES to the class that I have "SPECIAL NEEDS" and will need to "reserve" this chair for the rest of the semester. These are people who don't know me and all of the sudden I'm the girl with "special needs." Luckily I'm far removed from high school and am not totally embarassed, but spend the next 10 minutes fuming over the phrase "special needs." I proceed to roll my bag and roll the horrible chair past one girl who turns her head and asks if I have a "special bottom?" I politely answer, "No, I have a 'special back.'"

I'm sure I'm not the only one with experiences like this and it certainly isn't the first.

One of us. . .

There is a woman named Dawn. I do not know her. I don't know how old she is, where she lives, what she does, or what her hobbies are. So, why am I writing about her? She is one of us - one of the elite members of the scoliosis club that must undergo a serious spinal fusion. Yesterday was her surgery. I found myself constantly thinking back to her during my day and praying that her surgeon was doing well and that Dawn would come into recovery with a successful surgery. Dawn is one of those of us who are especially "lucky" (not really) to have to undergo 2 surgeries (one anterior and the other posterior) in the matter of 3 days. Well, her loving boyfriend did email our scoliosis forum and Dawn did have a successful sugery. She seemed to be at peace when she awoke, only to be followed by screams of pain which left her boyfriend in tears.

So, some may still ask - why do I care so much? Why do I myself cry when I think of a woman I don't even know laying in her hospital bed hooked up to contraptions galore? I'm one like her. I'm a member of that club and not many people can understand this surgery, but those of us who do feel the pain, the fear, the anticipation, the utter sense of relief when it goes as planned, the worry of the family, the love of all our supporters, and the hope and the strength that I sincerely hope Dawn feels as she enters recovery. I can hear those screams of pain, but I know those will die away as will the years of suffering and pain - but it is not a quick fix. We all must dedicate our lives to our recovery, not just weeks or months, but always.

Some friends don't understand why I would need to do so much research on my surgery. Why do I need to think about it. It is surgery - just go do it and get it over and done with. Not so - this isn't like my last surgery where they just removed my lump and my thyroid. This is one of the most difficult surgeries one can do and until you've walked in my shoes, in Dawn's shoes, and in all the shoes of those who I've come to admire so much through my "scoliosis group" people won't realize what this all entails.

Dawn - you won't be reading this right now, but I'm thinking of you as you enter "phase 2" tomorrow. You, among the other scoliosis patients who have gone before us" are my heroes. I hope I have the strength like you.

This is just a test to see if this blog works. Will write a real blog soon.
Isn't this a lovely sunset?