Happy New Year

This is a little late, but Happy New Year everyone - especially to my scolio buddies! I hope this year treats all of you well and recovery continues (or may you have courage and faith for your upcoming surgeries).

I will write more later when I have the time. :)

I WANT TO GO HOME!!

Ok, stupid Denver weather and airport! My hubby and I have been stuck in Chicago for 2 days now trying to get home to California to see my parents for Christmas. Of course, my mother was crying, but this afternoon we should (say a prayer, knock on wood, whatever), we have a flight home (but have to go through St. Louis with a tight layover). Actually, the airlines totally screwed us over. I won't get into our long journey to Chicago, but when I learned our flight was canceled, I called the airline and rebooked us on a flight this morning. Then, because I don't trust many people, I called back a few hours later to reconfirm that our reservation went through, and guess what, THEY NEVER PUT IT IN!!! Why do people have jobs when they are totally incompetent??? The stupid lady gave us a record locator number and then never actually put us on the flight. So after me YELLING at her, we finally got another flight this afternoon. Ok, so over 48 hours later, let's hope and pray that we make it to California today so we can be with our family for Christmas instead of stuck in a Super 8 where we are now. They do have a hot tub though for my achey travelling back! :) We actually had a fun day in Chicago yesterday and went to the Field Museum and saw all the X-Mas lights and stuff downtown. Might as well not waste an unexpected day. However, I REALLY WANT TO GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS. It is almost time to go back to the airport. Wish us luck!!!!

Scoliosis Christmas Tree!

Say what? Yep, that's right. I have a Christmas tree with a prominent left lumbar curve in its trunk!!! :) We didn't notice that our tree had scoliosis until we got it home. We had to turn the screws pretty hard to get that tree straight. How symbolic, huh? Ironic? This is possibly my last year with scoliosis before surgery and we end up with a scolio tree! I love this tree. Enjoy the photo.

Idiots

Spammers are stupid. Now I have to moderate my comments. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Isn't that sweet?

One of my students is a premed student and long story short, after class we got to talking about scoliosis. He is the only student who knows about my back. When I told him the curvature and gave him surgery details, he just stood there in disbelief and then said, "I can't imagine this crap happening to a nicer person. I just don't understand." Ahhhh (When I told my mom, she started crying). Well, I thought that was really sweet and if he didn't seem so sincere, I would think it was because I brought my class brownies today - brain food for their test on Monday. :) Well, I'm glad at least one of my students thinks I'm nice. He is an A student though - when people don't prepare or attempt to take a nap, my claws come out!

Snow day!

Yesterday I was wearing a skirt and flip flops and tonight my husband is outside shoveling snow! This Wisconsin weather is crazzeeeee.

But enough about that (although I do love the snow on the trees). We got our offer accepted on the condo! We're going to have our first home. Yipppppeeeeeee. I'm so excited for the fireplace, you can't even imagine. I would have gone to Target tonight to buy "fireplace stuff" but the roads are bad. We're not moving for a while, but I'm still excited.

The condo complex has a new gym, pool, and hot tub, and not that I'm going to be using it anytime soon post-op, it is still nice to know it is there and my poor hubby can go work out some of his frustration after taking care of me :) Oh, and taking care of all my family members who will probably flip out!

My back has been acting up quite a bit lately. Maybe it sensed the change in weather . . . I don't know, but the lower back and hip pain is pretty much constant for the last 4 days. I wish it would go away.

Sometimes things actually work!

My day started off by going to get a second opinion on my surgery. Honestly, I've heard it all before, which I suppose is good because I didn't get any contradictory information. He seemed much more lax about the surgery than Dr. Tribus and told me that he would rather Dr. Tribus be my surgeon because he is the best. So, I liked the honesty.

My husband and I have been trying to purchase our first home (a condo) for some time now and all of a sudden today was the day where the "real estate world" moved really quickly and by 10:30am (1/2 hour after my surgeon appointment) my husband was signing papers to reserve the condo for 30 days in order to place an offer. Now, no one else can bid on it right now. We feel we made the right decision and I'm so excited to move. We're going to have a fireplace for the winter and central air for the summers (yes, that matters a lot in Wisconsin), plus all the appliances are going to be new. The condo will be ready in March (fingers crossed) and that way we can move before surgery and I can paint and be an interior decorating diva!!! Also the complex has new fitness equipment and a pool and hot tub. I think it will help my PT eventually when I can really start strengthening myself after surgery.

Finally, I got midterm evaluations back from my students today and they were WAY better than I expected. My students this term are difficult to read, but apparently they really like the class.

So, today is one of those days where things worked out for the best. We've got to recognize those days and be thankful for them!!!

My Crazy Idea

I'm an academic. Conferences are therefore part of my life . . . so I had this crazy idea . . .

Why isn't there a national (perhaps international) conference for scoliosis patients and researchers?? These are my ideas:

It would be a place for scoliosis patients pre- and post-op to talk about their experiences with each other and get information.
We could have key-note speakers from scoliosis researchers, surgeons, doctors, Elise Browning Miller (yoga for scoliosis teacher) and also workshops to learn exercises, etc.
The money for registration fees would go toward research for scoliosis. We could all feel like we were contributing to the ongoing improvements in scoliosis surgery, non-surgical treatment etc.
There could be sessions specifically dealing with teenage patients (and their parents), adult patients, surgical revision patients, etc. . .

Ok, so maybe I'm crazy, but I thought I would throw out these ideas to my fellow bloggers. I'm not saying that I have the time to organize a national conference, and I certainly don't know where grants/funding would come from. Just a thought (a very ambitious one) . . . what do you think?

Go me!

I went to physical therapy today and they measured my strength in my legs again and apparently I've improved quite a bit! I felt like I was getting stronger, but it is nice to know from someone else. Go me!! Woo hoo. Of course getting my legs stronger does not mean reducing my pain necessarily, but I'm determined to get as strong as possible for recovery.

I have been doing pretty well about keeping a positive attitude in regards to my back and surgery lately, but the last couple of days I've been a tad blue. I don't have a good reason. I'm still trying to keep focused on my work and on getting stronger, but I've just felt a little sad and scared lately. Hopefully it will pass.

Love your body day

So apparently this coming Wednesday is "Love Your Body Day." Just thought I'd share . . . Not that this is really a well-celebrated holiday in the US, but it says a lot about our culture. . .I won't get on my soap box about that right now.

I do have to say though that I spent my teenage years hating my body. I didn't hate it because of "normal" teenage reasons, but because of my scoliosis. My junior year of high school my doctor made me stop dancing, which is something I had done since I was four, and I remember crying in my bedroom all weekend. (I did manage to take up some dancing in college again). I don't hate my body anymore, and I actually think all of this contemplating surgery has made me come to appreciate my body more and more. I certainly don't like scoliosis and wish I didn't have it, but I do and that is that. Scoliosis has taught me a lot about life, but I think I'll save that for another blog as well. It is getting late.

Anyway, as my husband says, "Honey, you're the curviest woman I know!" Ok, my curves aren't all in the RIGHT places, but what the heck - all of us scolio women (and men) should celebrate "Love Your Body Day." We've got more curves than the rest of them (and hopefully more curves in the right places post-op!!!)

What's that in the sky??

Reality check . . . Today is October 11th. This is supposed to be Fall, right? Ok, then why are there snow flurries falling from the sky? Note - this is the earliest I've ever seen snow. Granted, I'm not originally from Wisconsin. As much as I like snow, I have to be in the right mood and I'm certainly not in the mood for snow quite yet. My goodness, I still have to get my pumpkin! I'm going to go pick everything in my garden before it dies in tonight's frost!! Poor tomatoes! :)

2 more weeks before I go get a 2nd opinion on my surgery. I'm not getting nervous yet. . .

Fall in Wisconsin!

I love Fall! It is my favorite season. The colors are AMAZING right now. Of course, this year I know what lies ahead in Wisconsin - WINTER! Last year, I had not experienced a Wisconsin winter before, but now I know . . . actually, I like winter. People think I'm crazy, but I can't think of a better night than sitting by a fireplace, drinking hot chocolate, and watching snow fall. Ok, I don't have a fireplace, but wouldn't it be nice . . .
The only thing about winter is that my back tends to act up more because it gets so cold. On really really cold days though I sometimes wear one of those thermacare heating pads on my lower back and my muscles don't tense up as much. This might be my last year to go skiing for a while if I do surgery. Yes, there are downhill ski places in Wisconsin, but they have to dig out the hills - ha ha. I'm serious!

Wow - that's special!

Growing up I never had any "normal" problems like a broken bone or sprained ankle (knock on wood). Instead I got weird aliments that doctors never really could figure out. For example, "hmm . . . I don't know why you have scoliosis. That's why it is called IDIOPATHIC. Hmm - I don't know why that lump grew on your thyroid and is now slightly smaller than a golf ball. . . that's odd, I don't know why your heart is skipping beats" . . and it keeps going.

So last week I noticed that I had a large chip on my very back left bottom tooth that was causing pain. I have absolutely NO recollection of doing anything to my tooth. I went to the dentist this morning, only to hear, "Wow, I've never seen anything like it. I have no idea what happened to you." Naturally!! My father asked me, "honey, why do you have to be so special?"

Anyway, after a quick shot of novocaine (sp?) and a filling, it was over. Honestly, fillings are no big deal. I don't know why people get so scared about them. Perhaps I've already been through a lot medically and obviously have a lot ahead of me too. The dentist finshed and I turned to him and said, "that's it?" Wow - that was a piece of cake. I was more pissed off that they didn't want me going directly to the gym because I'm still VERY numb, so I went shopping instead. :) I needed new socks.

That's enough of weird things happening to my body. I hope I'm done now!

pain

Everytime I get a day where I just plain hurt I realize again why I'm considering this surgery. Ok - here is a list of my activities today: I taught for an hour (on my feet mostly), I worked in the library for 2 hours, I came home, and I made dinner. Well after making dinner, my lower back is getting the kind of pain where it is making it difficult to take a deep breath in - it makes the pain worse. Then I decided I needed to clean up a bit even though I was hurting and finally told my husband, "That's it. I have to sit down." However, sitting down is not really diminishing the pain. I can feel it radiating in my lower and middle back, so I tried stretching a bit. Nope - there's still pain. Ugh.

Honestly, I didn't do anything crazy today. Shouldn't I be able to teach, study, and make some food without feeling this? I'm slightly frustrated today.

Here's my other observation today: There was a guy on the bus this morning with a very large leg brace on. However, no one would give up their seat for him. He was standing on one leg! I think that is terribly rude! I can't take the bus post-op because no one will move for me, especially when they can't see my scar. People need to be more aware of other's needs.

Hi body

I'm not sure if what I'm going to write makes sense, but here it goes. Ever since I was diagnosed with scoliosis at the age of 13 I've had a love/hate relationship with my body. Oh, who am I kidding - more of a hate/hate relationship with my body. I fought against it. I lifted heavy things when I knew I shouldn't. I stood longer through the pain than I should have. My back was my secret and I wasn't going to let it affect my life as a teenager, or even my life in my early 20s. That was me on the outside. I looked at my body and I got mad, or sometimes just apathetic.

As surgery becomes a bigger part of my life, I find myself looking in the mirror at my "one hip" (I only have one curve in my hips unlike a normal woman) and appreciating what my body has done for me. I suppose this might be in part from my physical therapist saying she is amazed at how well I have adjusted despite the degree of my curvature. I find myself "talking" to my body (not in some schizo way), but feeling like I am consoling my back, saying, it's ok - you and I are going to get through this, or looking at my curves in the mirror and asking, "why - why can't you vertebrae simply line up like you're supposed to?" I know this sounds like some mind/body split and I guess it is in a way. My body is me, but my scoliosis isn't me. It doesn't define who I am, although it is taking up way too much of my time now.

There are some days when I think my body's let me down, but others when I realize just how adaptable the human body is. I hope I'm just as "adaptable" post-op. Ugh - the waiting. . .
So I guess I'm moving into more of a love/hate relationship with my body, but hopefully more on the "love" side.

Oh dear, I'm sick

Ok, so I got a nasty cold over the weekend, one of those colds where you have some flu symptoms, but you don't have the flu. Then I pushed myself through Monday and Tuesday because those are my rough days at school, but today is the first time I actually cancelled teaching my class and am staying home. I'm sure my undergrad students are thrilled :) I hope that I don't push myself so hard after surgery. I'm guessing that I'll have more common sense then and won't be involved in so many commitments anyway.

I also felt somewhat pathetic as I lay on the bathroom floor feeling nauseous this morning. I kept thinking, come on Anya, if you think this is bad how are you going to handle surgery? However, sickness is sickness and I can't pretend I feel better than I do. Well time to catch up on watching some morning talk shows before trying to get some work done. . . or going back to bed . . .

I Feel Loved!

I don't usually write 2 blogs in one day, but I have to say that I feel loved. I just got off the phone with a friend who said that she wants to fly here from NY next summer to keep me company post-op and help out! 2 other friends have also offered the same. I have AMAZING friends! I'm starting to think that the summer might not go by so slowly. :) Of course by saying this I'm not forgetting my amazing family as well and my husband who is my rock and my everything.

AND, my sister-in-law is getting married and asked me to be her Matron-of-Honor! I'm so excited and honored - I have a sister!!! :) Her wedding will be about one month before my surgery. After a day of "what ifs" I'm now feeling sure that I will be surrounded by love.

Hmm, well today and yesterday have been kind of bad "what if" days. I don't like "what if" days where I think about what could go wrong with surgery. My husband and my mom yell at me when I start doing this and I know it does absolutely no good at all. I guess my current fear is the fear of having nerve damage. I know in my heart that I will still be able to walk after surgery, but I get scared thinking about any degree of nerve damage. Playing around with the spinal cord is no monkey business you know.

So today I met with my wonderful advisor who pretty much assured me that the faculty was going to support me going through surgery. I was planning on taking my doctoral exams this spring but it is just too much going through surgery too. I'm trying to cut down on the anxiety in my life. So I can wait another year and study while I recover. Wonderful! I'll need to do something to keep myself occupied because I'm not the type of person to just sit around. Yes, I know, this surgery is a great lesson in patience too.

Ok, hopefully no more "what ifs" tonight. Back to work and a nice cup of tea!

Special Needs

Ok, so I am a graduate student and the beginning of each semester is always fun because I meet new people who are completely unaware that I have severe scoliosis and I get interesting and often irksome comments.
So, I roll my bag. I don't carry it because those of you who have scoliosis know that carrying around loads of books will pretty much guarantee that your night will be spent with advil and a heating pad. Scoliosis for the most part is a hidden disability. My husband is hard of hearing and no one asks about his hearing aids because it is obvious or perhaps they feel awkward, but rolling a bag instead of carrying it leaves me wide open to receive all sorts of comments. I'm used to this and I calmly explain to people why I roll my bag. No problem.

Mondays are very long days for me. I teach and then sit through 5 hours of seminars. Luckily the first 3 hours are in a room with very comfortable chairs. However, my second seminar has those horrible wooden seats with a big hole where back support should be! So, I emailed my prof and asked her if I could sit in a different seat. Let me first say that I very much appreciate the fact that she does take my scoliosis seriously and is doing her best to accomodate me. However the chair today left my arm numb and me squirming in pain throughout the class. No problem again - I live with pain and I can carry on my life with a big ol' smile. However, this is where the problem came - I walk into class (slightly late from my last seminar) with about 20 students looking at me. My prof ANNOUNCES to the class that I have "SPECIAL NEEDS" and will need to "reserve" this chair for the rest of the semester. These are people who don't know me and all of the sudden I'm the girl with "special needs." Luckily I'm far removed from high school and am not totally embarassed, but spend the next 10 minutes fuming over the phrase "special needs." I proceed to roll my bag and roll the horrible chair past one girl who turns her head and asks if I have a "special bottom?" I politely answer, "No, I have a 'special back.'"

I'm sure I'm not the only one with experiences like this and it certainly isn't the first.

One of us. . .

There is a woman named Dawn. I do not know her. I don't know how old she is, where she lives, what she does, or what her hobbies are. So, why am I writing about her? She is one of us - one of the elite members of the scoliosis club that must undergo a serious spinal fusion. Yesterday was her surgery. I found myself constantly thinking back to her during my day and praying that her surgeon was doing well and that Dawn would come into recovery with a successful surgery. Dawn is one of those of us who are especially "lucky" (not really) to have to undergo 2 surgeries (one anterior and the other posterior) in the matter of 3 days. Well, her loving boyfriend did email our scoliosis forum and Dawn did have a successful sugery. She seemed to be at peace when she awoke, only to be followed by screams of pain which left her boyfriend in tears.

So, some may still ask - why do I care so much? Why do I myself cry when I think of a woman I don't even know laying in her hospital bed hooked up to contraptions galore? I'm one like her. I'm a member of that club and not many people can understand this surgery, but those of us who do feel the pain, the fear, the anticipation, the utter sense of relief when it goes as planned, the worry of the family, the love of all our supporters, and the hope and the strength that I sincerely hope Dawn feels as she enters recovery. I can hear those screams of pain, but I know those will die away as will the years of suffering and pain - but it is not a quick fix. We all must dedicate our lives to our recovery, not just weeks or months, but always.

Some friends don't understand why I would need to do so much research on my surgery. Why do I need to think about it. It is surgery - just go do it and get it over and done with. Not so - this isn't like my last surgery where they just removed my lump and my thyroid. This is one of the most difficult surgeries one can do and until you've walked in my shoes, in Dawn's shoes, and in all the shoes of those who I've come to admire so much through my "scoliosis group" people won't realize what this all entails.

Dawn - you won't be reading this right now, but I'm thinking of you as you enter "phase 2" tomorrow. You, among the other scoliosis patients who have gone before us" are my heroes. I hope I have the strength like you.

This is just a test to see if this blog works. Will write a real blog soon.
Isn't this a lovely sunset?