appointment in 1 month - getting scared

Last March I came home in tears after Dr. Tribus told me that my curve was now 55 degrees and he "didn't like the look of where it was going." He told me to come back a year later and we'll decide about doing surgery in June of 2007. Well, a year later is almost here and I've done a lot of research over the last year, a lot of crying, and a lot of growing as a person.

I'm getting scared though. I think I'm scared of making the decision one way or the other. If I have surgery in June, then it is obvious why I have fear. However, I'm just as scared if we decide not to do surgery. If surgery is imminent sometime in my future, how much longer do I have to wait? How is that going to affect family planning in the next few years? Am I really going to continue to live with this pain? I feel like if I don't do surgery, I'm kind of back to square one. If I don't, then there is the big - WHAT NEXT question. I've done everything I can for scoliosis - tried everything that is nonsurgical. What else could I do if Dr. Tribus decides not to do surgery this year?

If I go ahead with the surgery then the pre-op procedures begin and it becomes REAL. I'm ok talking about it right now because it is not really real to me yet. It hit me initially last year when Dr. Tribus informed me that surgery was most likely in my future, but lately I've had to just move on with my life and not think about it constantly. It is not healthy to dwell. Now I'm starting to dwell again . . .

Perhaps I'm starting to think about it more today it is because my pain level is quite high and I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night because of pain. I even sleep on a temperpedic (sp?) bed. I feel very crooked today (spine wise) :)

My husband is going to take a picture of my spine so I can have a pre-op picture and so it can help my friends understand. I'll post it later.

Isn't it amazing?

Today (January 29th) is one of those days where I'm constantly reminded of the mysteries of how the world works. 8 years ago, my friend Dave died tragically in an avalanche, and I remember that day vividly. However, 8 years ago today, one of my dearest friend's daughter was born. I have known my friend since we were both 1 year old, and we grew up together everyday - we still call each other "sis." Well, she has a beautiful daughter, who I've had the pleasure of watching grow up (only visiting once in a while though because she is in Oregon). Anyway, I love them like family, and I can't wait to see what the future holds for this precious 8 year old (going on 13 - watch out!!!!). Today, I asked her if she "felt different now that she's 8." (Ok, really I just like to hear the funny things she says :) She said, "Yes, I feel bigger." I laughed. Then I thought, well, you know, I will probably feel bigger on my next birthday too - in fact, I may grow about an inch (with the help of metal rods in the spine). Ha ha ha - that's a real reason to feel bigger. (I didn't think it was appropriate to share that information with her).

Anyway, Happy Birthday my dear. One beloved life was lost, and one was gained - she will always be extremely important in my life, but is even more precious because of the significance of the day of her birth. I wish her the fullest, most beautiful life - one that Dave would also have wanted for her.

What is wrong with people?

Well, there is a lot wrong with many people, but I have to say, that I was not pleased with Tina Fay's comments on The View this morning. Ok, #1 - so my husband has a crush on her, so I've never really liked her (hee hee). #2 - When discussing politics, she stated that instead of having a woman, a black man, and a hispanic man run for office, why can't the Democrats just nominate an old white man so they can win? UHT - I'm sorry, but I think it is pretty darn clear many of us are sick and tired of listening to old white men in politics, and second of all, why are we still at the point where we have to go on and on about gender and race? Why shouldn't we have a woman for president? A black man for president? A hispanic man for president? What difference does it really make? If it turns out that the best potential president will be an old white guy, then so be it, but DO NOT say that Democrats can't win because their candidates do not fit in the club of old white men!

Thoughts on skiing

I had no idea Madison kept its zoo open in the snow! Doesn't this polar bear look just like he's at home now? The bears were out at the zoo, along with the Bison, but otherwise, naturally, not much was out, but it was a fun snow walk.

So, I went skiing yesterday and had so much fun. My body is paying for it today though - oh so sore! However, I did not fall and went down many black diamonds. I used to be quite the little ski bunny when I was young and skiied at Lake Tahoe a lot, but I am more careful now because of my back. I have to say that my physical therapy that I've done this year must be paying off because my knees didn't hurt nearly as much as they did last year when we went skiing. Yay for getting my legs stronger!!!

We went skiing last night in support of a fund raiser for ski equipment for the disabled. We've done it every year, and I almost didn't go this year because I thought it would make me sad. Why? I thought it would make me sad because I thought skiing would be crossed off my list of things I could do post-op. As I was happily gliding down the mountain (ok, mountain is a little exaggerated in Wisconsin), I decided that I don't see any reason why I couldn't ski a couple years after back surgery. I don't bend my back my back while skiing and I'm experienced enough that I know how to be careful. I could just cross black diamonds off my list of to-dos. My husband said, "That's my girl. I don't think 'I can't' is in your vocabulary." Well, that is probably a little exaggerated too. I can't do math. Hee hee - but it is true, as far as my back goes, I'm pretty determined to do whatever I can, and not much usually stops me when I put my mind to it. I hope I'm this optimistic when it comes time for surgery and recovering.

It is good to be home

Well, the 20 degree weather with a nice blanket of snow makes me feel like I'm home. We had a wonderful trip and spent quality time with family and friends, for which I am grateful. We also made a trip up to the Northwest, which I love rain or shine (ok, rain the whole time). We made two heroic attempts (not really) to view Mt. Saint Helens, but apparently the weather had other plans. :) However, our flight back home enabled us to see lots of beautiful snow covered mountain ranges. (You don't see a lot of those in the Midwest).

I added two pictures from the beaches in California. I'm a beach baby at heart (even though I'm a big fan of the snow too), and absolutely love watching waves crashing and viewing sealife. Isn't the seal just the cutest thing? Luckily, we had some wonderfully sunny days to spend strolling on the beaches and breathing in that fresh ocean air. :)

So, from the sunny Cali beaches to the snow . . . tomorrow hubby and I are going skiing (yes, believe it or not there are "downhill skiing" places in Wisconsin. If indeed I go through with surgery in June, I know I won't be able to ski for a while, so I plan on living it up tomorrow!!!