teaching

So, I'm a graduate student. I've been teaching my own class of undergrads for the last two years, and next year I'm a TA for some class in the music history department. However, the TA the faculty assigned me requires 4 hours of teaching in a row and my advisor is concerned for my physical well-being at 3 months post-op. Now I feel like I'm causing all these problems in the department even though I know having surgery is not my fault. I hate being a burden and making people readjust their schedules. I'm frustrated. I know I would do it for someone else if they were in my position, but it is safe to say that people have a lot of misconceptions about scoliosis and don't understand the size of this surgery.

Of course, I think I can teach for 4 hours in a row, but my mind has always been stronger than my body - that is one of the ways you live with constant pain.

why the pain?

Today was our inspection for our condo. Very exciting . . . except the fact that it took 1 1/2 hours and my back really really hurts. I was trying to be professional and walk around, but I ended up sitting on our new living room floor. Usually I can deal with the pain everyday, but once in a while the pain becomes unbearable. I came home, took a bath, and am sitting with a heating pad, but I still can't move very well or bend over. I guess that's why I'm having surgery, huh?

Facing reality?

I may be slowly coming out of denial. I made surgery purchases this weekend. I bought bendable straws (woo hoo), a raised toilet seat (who would have thought I needed one of those in my late 20s), and a grabber. I already started chasing my husband around the house with the grabber - hee hee, just preparing him for things to come. Hmm - probably not, but nice idea.

So, I'm going to start putting together a list of things I will need in the hospital and after, and I will post it later, and hopefully some of you can tell me what I missed or give me other suggestions.

It is finalized

I have a date: June 5, 2007.

Now I've started crying again, but I suppose that is a natural reaction. Surgery workup is May 21st - I wonder what I should expect???

Feeling a little blue

I went for my echocardiogram today. Honestly this is one of the least painful parts of pre-op procedures. I don't really expect that a cardiology department would know a lot about scoliosis, but the woman's first question was, "What did you do to your back?" UHT! Nothing - gee, isn't that funny. Ok, enough sarcasm. Then she did not know what to say about my upcoming surgery. I find most people don't. So then she asks the question that I just absolutely love (note sarcasm again): "So, does your back hurt?" Maybe if my career fails I will go around the world informing people about scoliosis and back pain. Honestly now!

I'm feeling a little blue today. Perhaps it is because I did not get enough sleep and ran out of English Breakfast Tea, which I rely on to get me going in the morning. (I'm British) Some of my colleagues are also being very cautious around me, which to an extent I appreciate, but I also feel like they are expecting me to be more "down" than I am. Today someone asked me, "How are you?" (with a concerned look). I replied, "Fine thank you," to which he then replied, "Are you sure?"

Perhaps my 4am mini-panic attack about surgery still showed on my face. Oh well. I hope to get a good night's sleep, and hopefully a BEAUTIFUL 60 degree day tomorrow will perk me up. I must go get some tea as well!

Surgery

Well, I'm having surgery. I actually don't feel like writing about it right now because I'm exhausted, and let's face it . . . in denial. However, when I was home over Christmas and sorting through old stuff, I came across this letter from my grandfather. My grandad is my guarding angel, and this is what I found from 1993:

The card itself reads:
Sometimes it seems that life is most difficult when we're the most vulnerable - when pulling through and sorting things out seems like an impossible task. And yet, when we do, our sense of accomplishment is great - giving us new hope and courage to continue. Take heart that brighter, happier days are in store and that others care about you very much.

My grandad wrote inside:
I am so sorry to hear about your various ailments, especially problems with your back and the nuisance of wearing a brace. But knowing you, you will grit your teeth, grin and bear it, and as time passes you will be "fit as a fiddle." Bless you darling.

Ok grandad, I'm ready to be "fit as a fiddle" now. This card will go to the hospital with me.

Will write more later when I feel like talking about surgery.

Aren't students charming?

I love teaching. Don't get me wrong. It is my passion and the thing I want to do for the rest of my life. However, I cannot stand college students who take everything for granted and feel that they are entitled to everything. Spoiled brats and rudeness are two qualities that I hate the most!

Did anyone ever talk back to their teachers? I would never dream of being rude to a teacher the way one of my students was rude to me today. He didn't bother reading the absence policy and figured he didn't have to come to class, so apparently that's my fault? Uht - grow up and attend the class. Education is not his right. If I were his boss, I'd fire him, hands down. That's what some of these kids don't get. They should treat their education like they were going to work.

So my absence policy: If they have more than three unexcused absences (my alarm didn't go off at 11am, I had a hang over, etc.,) I lower their grade. Period. It is stated clear and simply on the syllabus, and I spent at least 5 minutes on it the first day of class going over this.

Then, God forbid, I should make them write a 1 page essay for Friday. Yes, that's right. I said 1 page - whoop de freakin' do. They start whining, "but I've already had four writing assignments this week." Oh please, cry me a river. How whiny and spoiled can you get? I said a few words to them (which I can't remember now, but they sounded like parenting) and followed them up by, "I won't stand for whining over stupid things in this class."

What I really wanted to say was, "Ok, you don't want to write a short paper. How about you go to the spine surgeon with me tomorrow and we take your spine apart and fuse it. Then we'll give you something to whine about." I admit that is being self-centered, but I'm a little edgy and teary because I've worked so hard for 15 years to avoid surgery and tomorrow may be a turning point. Plus, I'm in a whole lot of back pain right now, and because of the big storms, I can't roll my bag like I usually do because there is too much snow. So I carry my bag, and of course, now I hurt.

How was that for whining? Do I sound like my students? :)

I really do love most of them, but sometimes they just need tough love, or a swift kick in the you-know-what.

Round Two

I have to say the blizzard was quite dissapointing as far as blizzards go, but we still got a lot of snow. The snow thunder and lightning last night was pretty cool though! Needless to say, my husband is not pleased it is snowing again since he has spent over 3 hours shoveling this weekend. I can't imagine how all those people in NY dug out of 9 feet!

Round 1

The calm before the storm, aka 7 inches of snow BEFORE the blizzard. This is apparently this biggest storm we have had since 1990!!! It doesn't look quite blizzard-esque out there yet, but apparently I just have to sit tight and wait. We went to the grocery store with half of the city last night to stock up on food. Wow - it was craziness. I'm sure I'll update later.

For Lent

My husband gave up swearing for Lent - that lasted about 5 hours. He lost. He tried this last year too - and failed. Maybe he should try giving up something else . . .

I don't understand

Like one of my blogger friends said, I can't go into details over this blog, but let me try to explain how I'm feeling in a vague way.

Many of us are very very privledged women (and men, but this is about women), and many of us take way too many things for granted and feel like we are entitled to way too much. It doesn't seem fair that women sit around complaining about not being thin enough, or other trivial things in life, when there is just soooooo much abuse happening to women all over the world. . . of course the US is included. However, I heard a story today that breaks, no shatters, my heart into a zillion pieces. My new friend is from another country and she lives here in the US working on her PhD right now, and is trying to seek asylum for some very very very good and heartbreaking reasons. She is perhaps the strongest person I have ever met, and morally I can't relay her story, especially over a blog.

I know that there are so many women who are in terrible situations, and some people will say, "oh that is horrible, but what are we going to do?" I feel so utterly powerless and want to believe that this country will make the correct decision about her future, but when you know someone who is in such a tough position--you actually look in someone's eyes and know that the legal system holds power literally over their life--what else can you do? What can I do? Why are people so selfish, so greedy, so inhumane? Where is the justice?

Why am I still in music? I feel like I should be going out and doing something for human rights. I just don't understand how we let our fellow humans suffer so badly. Why is everyone a spokesperson for God, instead of God Him/Herself? Why should religion cause such conflicts? I'm not actually seeking answers here, but just venting the great mysterious unknown questions.

Good, innocent, beautiful women around this world are being so badly abused, and killed each day. What can we do about it?

Grieving

It is weird how you can grieve so deeply for someone you never met. I just spoke with my mother on the phone, and even she has been crying all day. . . and she never corresponded with Trudy. I think when someone's death is tied to something so close to your heart, it makes it more difficult. . . especially when you are awaiting surgery and need to make a decision in 2 weeks.

I just don't understand why she had to die. I just can't imagine the pain her family is going through.

As someone said on the forum, dear Trudy is a scoliosis-free angel in heaven. May she rest in peace (pain free) and may her family know that she is never far away.

beyond sad

Trudy, a woman in her thirties who has three children, died from complications during scoliosis surgery. I've never met her, but know her through the scoliosis forum, and I am beyond saddened and completely shocked by this news. Her poor family! It is so weird to have been talking to her over the forum a couple of days ago and to think she is no longer here. It makes me cry to re-read all of the positive encouragement given to her in the last week and her trust that everything was going to turn out ok, and her plans for post-op. She wanted to take a mini vacation to the beach when she was getting better. I can't even begin to comprehend this. One of our brave scoliosis women has died. Why? why? I don't get it.

God bless you and rest in peace.

Part 2 to "You know it's cold when. . ."

when Madison schools cancel for the first time since the early 90s (not the University though)

when the wind makes tears form in your eyes but then they freeze before you can cry

when your work office is an igloo - no, really! The inside of my windows were covered in multiple layers of ice/snow-type stuff.

You know it is cold when . . .

you have to scrape ice off of the INSIDE of your car windows

your temperature almost matches International Falls, Minnesota

tomorrow's high is negative 5 and that is warmer than it is now

you can't wait until the temperature reaches single digits ABOVE zero

your husband wants to run outside without a jacket and hat on just to see what it feels like

your eyelashes develop icicles after 4 minutes of being outside (information care of my husband's experience outside - and yes, I witnessed the icicles)

even the hardcore ice fishermen don't go out on the lake for the weekend

when you've lost count of the number of layers you have on and can barely move in your clothes

when dog owners decide it is better to let their dogs "do their business in the house on newspaper" rather than take them outside

when the sun doesn't melt anything, even an ice cube

oh, but students in Madison don't actually get a "cold day" (yes, like a snow day) unless it reaches negative 50 with wind chill and we have about 25 more degrees to that goal! :)

Now, this is a real winter . . . makes you hearty and strong! :)

appointment in 1 month - getting scared

Last March I came home in tears after Dr. Tribus told me that my curve was now 55 degrees and he "didn't like the look of where it was going." He told me to come back a year later and we'll decide about doing surgery in June of 2007. Well, a year later is almost here and I've done a lot of research over the last year, a lot of crying, and a lot of growing as a person.

I'm getting scared though. I think I'm scared of making the decision one way or the other. If I have surgery in June, then it is obvious why I have fear. However, I'm just as scared if we decide not to do surgery. If surgery is imminent sometime in my future, how much longer do I have to wait? How is that going to affect family planning in the next few years? Am I really going to continue to live with this pain? I feel like if I don't do surgery, I'm kind of back to square one. If I don't, then there is the big - WHAT NEXT question. I've done everything I can for scoliosis - tried everything that is nonsurgical. What else could I do if Dr. Tribus decides not to do surgery this year?

If I go ahead with the surgery then the pre-op procedures begin and it becomes REAL. I'm ok talking about it right now because it is not really real to me yet. It hit me initially last year when Dr. Tribus informed me that surgery was most likely in my future, but lately I've had to just move on with my life and not think about it constantly. It is not healthy to dwell. Now I'm starting to dwell again . . .

Perhaps I'm starting to think about it more today it is because my pain level is quite high and I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night because of pain. I even sleep on a temperpedic (sp?) bed. I feel very crooked today (spine wise) :)

My husband is going to take a picture of my spine so I can have a pre-op picture and so it can help my friends understand. I'll post it later.

Isn't it amazing?

Today (January 29th) is one of those days where I'm constantly reminded of the mysteries of how the world works. 8 years ago, my friend Dave died tragically in an avalanche, and I remember that day vividly. However, 8 years ago today, one of my dearest friend's daughter was born. I have known my friend since we were both 1 year old, and we grew up together everyday - we still call each other "sis." Well, she has a beautiful daughter, who I've had the pleasure of watching grow up (only visiting once in a while though because she is in Oregon). Anyway, I love them like family, and I can't wait to see what the future holds for this precious 8 year old (going on 13 - watch out!!!!). Today, I asked her if she "felt different now that she's 8." (Ok, really I just like to hear the funny things she says :) She said, "Yes, I feel bigger." I laughed. Then I thought, well, you know, I will probably feel bigger on my next birthday too - in fact, I may grow about an inch (with the help of metal rods in the spine). Ha ha ha - that's a real reason to feel bigger. (I didn't think it was appropriate to share that information with her).

Anyway, Happy Birthday my dear. One beloved life was lost, and one was gained - she will always be extremely important in my life, but is even more precious because of the significance of the day of her birth. I wish her the fullest, most beautiful life - one that Dave would also have wanted for her.

What is wrong with people?

Well, there is a lot wrong with many people, but I have to say, that I was not pleased with Tina Fay's comments on The View this morning. Ok, #1 - so my husband has a crush on her, so I've never really liked her (hee hee). #2 - When discussing politics, she stated that instead of having a woman, a black man, and a hispanic man run for office, why can't the Democrats just nominate an old white man so they can win? UHT - I'm sorry, but I think it is pretty darn clear many of us are sick and tired of listening to old white men in politics, and second of all, why are we still at the point where we have to go on and on about gender and race? Why shouldn't we have a woman for president? A black man for president? A hispanic man for president? What difference does it really make? If it turns out that the best potential president will be an old white guy, then so be it, but DO NOT say that Democrats can't win because their candidates do not fit in the club of old white men!

Thoughts on skiing

I had no idea Madison kept its zoo open in the snow! Doesn't this polar bear look just like he's at home now? The bears were out at the zoo, along with the Bison, but otherwise, naturally, not much was out, but it was a fun snow walk.

So, I went skiing yesterday and had so much fun. My body is paying for it today though - oh so sore! However, I did not fall and went down many black diamonds. I used to be quite the little ski bunny when I was young and skiied at Lake Tahoe a lot, but I am more careful now because of my back. I have to say that my physical therapy that I've done this year must be paying off because my knees didn't hurt nearly as much as they did last year when we went skiing. Yay for getting my legs stronger!!!

We went skiing last night in support of a fund raiser for ski equipment for the disabled. We've done it every year, and I almost didn't go this year because I thought it would make me sad. Why? I thought it would make me sad because I thought skiing would be crossed off my list of things I could do post-op. As I was happily gliding down the mountain (ok, mountain is a little exaggerated in Wisconsin), I decided that I don't see any reason why I couldn't ski a couple years after back surgery. I don't bend my back my back while skiing and I'm experienced enough that I know how to be careful. I could just cross black diamonds off my list of to-dos. My husband said, "That's my girl. I don't think 'I can't' is in your vocabulary." Well, that is probably a little exaggerated too. I can't do math. Hee hee - but it is true, as far as my back goes, I'm pretty determined to do whatever I can, and not much usually stops me when I put my mind to it. I hope I'm this optimistic when it comes time for surgery and recovering.

It is good to be home

Well, the 20 degree weather with a nice blanket of snow makes me feel like I'm home. We had a wonderful trip and spent quality time with family and friends, for which I am grateful. We also made a trip up to the Northwest, which I love rain or shine (ok, rain the whole time). We made two heroic attempts (not really) to view Mt. Saint Helens, but apparently the weather had other plans. :) However, our flight back home enabled us to see lots of beautiful snow covered mountain ranges. (You don't see a lot of those in the Midwest).

I added two pictures from the beaches in California. I'm a beach baby at heart (even though I'm a big fan of the snow too), and absolutely love watching waves crashing and viewing sealife. Isn't the seal just the cutest thing? Luckily, we had some wonderfully sunny days to spend strolling on the beaches and breathing in that fresh ocean air. :)

So, from the sunny Cali beaches to the snow . . . tomorrow hubby and I are going skiing (yes, believe it or not there are "downhill skiing" places in Wisconsin. If indeed I go through with surgery in June, I know I won't be able to ski for a while, so I plan on living it up tomorrow!!!