I'm not sure if what I'm going to write makes sense, but here it goes. Ever since I was diagnosed with scoliosis at the age of 13 I've had a love/hate relationship with my body. Oh, who am I kidding - more of a hate/hate relationship with my body. I fought against it. I lifted heavy things when I knew I shouldn't. I stood longer through the pain than I should have. My back was my secret and I wasn't going to let it affect my life as a teenager, or even my life in my early 20s. That was me on the outside. I looked at my body and I got mad, or sometimes just apathetic.
As surgery becomes a bigger part of my life, I find myself looking in the mirror at my "one hip" (I only have one curve in my hips unlike a normal woman) and appreciating what my body has done for me. I suppose this might be in part from my physical therapist saying she is amazed at how well I have adjusted despite the degree of my curvature. I find myself "talking" to my body (not in some schizo way), but feeling like I am consoling my back, saying, it's ok - you and I are going to get through this, or looking at my curves in the mirror and asking, "why - why can't you vertebrae simply line up like you're supposed to?" I know this sounds like some mind/body split and I guess it is in a way. My body is me, but my scoliosis isn't me. It doesn't define who I am, although it is taking up way too much of my time now.
There are some days when I think my body's let me down, but others when I realize just how adaptable the human body is. I hope I'm just as "adaptable" post-op. Ugh - the waiting. . .
So I guess I'm moving into more of a love/hate relationship with my body, but hopefully more on the "love" side.
2 comments:
You remind me so much of myself right before I had surgery. I did the same thing, felt much the same way about my own body. Read my archives from May, you'll see that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Preparing for something so big, really helps put things in perspective.
I have a huge hate relationship with my body, and I'm going to be 49 next month. I am just now going through all the hoops before surgery. I think it it not uncommon to have this feeling about ourselves when you have this disease.
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